As a child you don't understand things as much as you would an adult and sometimes situations you're brought into are out of your control. I grew up in Saint Paul, Minnesota with a hardworking single mother. I am an only child, so of course I was spoiled, my mother was very protective of me and still is today. My childhood was like most ordinary childhoods, I enjoyed playing outside and getting dirty with the other kids. My favorite thing to do as a little girl was ride my bike with the other kids through the neighborhood, I can still vividly remember my mother teaching me how to ride my bike and her jumping for joy when I finally was able to ride with out my training wheels.
The love and nurture I received from my mother was so fulfilling that I never really realized my father wasn't around nor did it affect me, although I do remember a time when I was in kindergarten me and my best friend Jenna at the time were playing with Guinea pigs, our teacher Mrs.Johnson would bring her pets from home for us to play with in the classroom. Anyways, me and Jenna were playing and she stopped and looked at me and said, "I always see your mom but I never see your dad" and I thought to myself, " I don't see him either."
At that moment, I did take a second to think on why he wasn't around or why I haven't met him yet. I just thought that maybe he couldn't see me because he had things to do and I could hold off until he was done doing what he was doing. It wasn't until I hit 16 when I realized how it did affect me and how I needed my father in my life. From guys I dated to trying to understand and be familiar with the male perspective wasn't something I've ever thought of prior to actually being in those situations and I'd usually fall straight on my face when those types of situations popped up. My teen years were tough emotionally, I was old enough to understand that it was wrong he wasn't around and that he needed to be there because I needed him. I was growing, I was experiencing life and making mistakes that I knew he would probably understand as a "father."
I met my dad when I was 10 years old, I just remember running into his arms when I seen him. It was a feeling of relief and finally adding that missing piece to my puzzle. My brother and sister who also were absent in my life due to my father's absence was heartbreaking too. I've seen close friends of mine with their siblings and I would always imagine what it would be like to have them in my life, I met my sister at my high school graduation and my brother the following summer at our family reunion on my fathers side. It was a relief finally being able to meet them as well.
Furthermore, I've learned how to find closure in my father's absence by understanding we're all human at the end of the day (I'm not justifying his absence). However, I do believe in second chances and forgiving. Giving second chances and forgiving helped with my closure. I wrote a letter to my dad one day and folded it up and burned it. It was a forgiving letter letting him know that I was thankful to have met him and that there was no hard feelings between us.
It hurt that I couldn't have while growing up, but how I grew up shaped me into the woman I am today. My mother did a hell of a job and still is, I appreciate her so much because even though it may have been hard raising me she never gave up, she never stopped loving me and she always made sure I was well taken care of. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Although I don't have a tight relationship with my father I appreciate the fact that I still have the chance to love and cherish him.
