Mother

Eyes so blue,

So clear, so truthful

You lie to no one,

But yourself.

There are things you cannot see.

There are things you will not see,

Is one of them me?

Momma

So beautiful, so sweet

Your brain a ceaseless pattern of equations-

Computer coding wrapped tightly ‘round

A soft, pink heart.

So fierce, so delicate

Always right.

Wrongs clouded behind a fog of tears

Dispersed by crashing waves of emotion.

You love me; you trust me;

You protect me; you want me;

You cling to me,

Wrap my waist with a series of questions,

Tie me down in plans and details so I won’t float away.

But Momma, do you know the animal inside?

Could you love this girl, if she broke free-

Emerged from the cage of shame

And growled?

Mama, I'm not tame.

I pretended,

All that time,

Wanting, wishing,

Hoping

To be perfect, to be Godly,

To be yours,

But you are the angel;

I live in sin.

I love you

Words uttered after long pauses,

Broken conversation,

Tight voices, stretch my cords-

Vocalize the truth.

Bite back the painful repercussion

The pain, the lie,

The confession.

I am not enough;

I am broken,

Heart seared in places

You don't know exist.

When did I grow up and why?

Why couldn't I be the child you prayed for?

The sweet, fat child you held for so long,

Cheeks as big as peaches,

Forehead forms a pear.

I am proud of you

The knife which cuts into me

When you hug me close.

I'm so afraid to let you...

I see the fear in your eyes,

Your perfect, blue eyes

How can I meet them?

How can I confront the film of tears which

Mask you from my malformations?

You are love; you are life

You are the hands that held my pudgy fingers;

You are the smile that warmed my early summers:

There is no me without you,

But I do not exist in your sight,

Because you only see goodness.

You only speak of light,

And everything inside of me is darkness.

I wanted to be perfect;

I wanted to be everything you prayed for,

But everyday

I grow farther from you.

I become more self and less imagining

My identity is hardening

And I'm afraid that I will dry crooked,

That I will mismatch your perfect symmetry,

That I will wreck your ordered lines.

I would rather disappear

Unravel

Un-be

Shallow breathes

Tight lips

Inaction

Will you save me?

Will you erase my filth?

If I cease exhaling

My contribution to the rising pressure

Of a world trapped in carbon

Boiling in refracted rays

Will as well

If I stop speaking

My tongue will never utter another

Ugly sound

If I stop moving

The spiral of my life won't suck

Down anyone else

My body could just lie still

Resting,

Feeding the ground beneath,

Bringing joy,

The beginnings of life.

It wouldn't be the end;

It would be the start

Of my perfection.

But whom am I without

Your royal, blue eyes?

How could I leave them?

How can I forget the world

When your sight haunts

Both dreams and nightmares.

There is no chosen future without you-

I am too selfish.

I will hurt you

With my love.

When I see you,

I will face the pain

And it will grow.

When you call,

I will answer

And the silence will commence.

I will love you

Till you see me;

I will look you

In the face.

I will seek those rich, blue eyes

Though they reflect the pain in mine

Because you are everything

Momma…

And I am a faulty reflection,

Hopeless without my source.

Though I mar your image with my touch,

I could not leave you if I tried.

I love you Momma

Forgive me.