My 20th birthday is right around the corner and I swear that I'm staring to see grey hairs pop up on my head. How is it possible to feel so old, but be so young at the same time? Each day that passes has me convinced that I've experienced it all- I've gotta be the wisest person around. Then I get handed back my accounting test and I know that's not true. Growing up has taught me so much, but that doesn't mean that I know everything yet.
Getting older has made me realize that sometimes we have to make tough choices that we don't necessarily want to make. As a kid, I got to be as selfish as I wanted. I wasn't responsible for anything or anyone but myself, and I didn't really consider other people. And it's exceptionally hard to grow up from the happiest childhood anyone can have and see how much everyone around me is struggling. Everyone, it doesn't matter who it is, is struggling with something. What I wouldn't give to go back, for one day, when my hardest choice was deciding what to dress my Polly Pockets in. Everything seems that much more complicated. We hide feelings, we say things we don't mean, we hurt one another. In kindergarten, it was as simple as passing a note asking if you liked one another. Now it's games and I shouldn't text him first and why does he only hang out with me at night? It's questions I never imagined I'd be asking myself: what doesn't he like about me? Why can't I make anyone stay?
It's being surrounded by so many people and friends but somehow still feeling completely alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to make it sound all bad, I'm not completely morbid. Growing up does not completely suck. It's finding that thing that makes you tick-that keeps you going-and giving it everything you have. I've had so many of the best days of my life. I've met my best friends- the ones who I can tell anything to, the ones that have no idea that they are my lifeline. I hope I never forget the little things about them. They are the ones I'll still be calling years from now, wishing we were living back Manhattan again, our little piece of the world.
I've had so many days that I will want to relive forever and ever. This age is such a confusing time because it is being your happiest but also being your saddest at times too. It's realizing who you are and what you want to be and the struggling and the happiness that comes with those discoveries.
