"I love you and I hope that one day you can overcome your addiction."

"There is nothing more painful than grieving someone who's still living." -Rupi Kaur

The person you once were is gone. It's buried somewhere behind your addiction. Your words used to just be teasing, but now your words are like bullets piercing through my skin. I used to love spending time with you, but now I can't even stand being around you. You have fed off me so much that you have left me gasping for air convulsing on the floor. I can't even begin to tell you how many panic attacks I've had because of you. How many sleepless nights I've had because I'm so terrified that you're going to overdose or do something so nefarious that you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. The sound of sirens makes me nervous because I think they're coming for you. I have this recurring nightmare where you've been declared dead because you overdosed.

All this time I couldn't help but blame myself. I mean you said it yourself, "I'm a terrible excuse of a person." If only I had been there for you. If only I had tried harder. If only I had showed you that you mattered and told you how much I love you. I have spent so much time blaming myself for your problems I never even realized you were destroying my whole being. It is not my fault that you have a drug addiction. You made your choice to shoot up heroin, smoke crystal meth, or to pop those pills.

No, I'm sure that you didn't do it with the intention of becoming an addict, but that's what happened. None of it is my fault. I love you. I really do love you, but it's so hard to be around you. I am stuck grieving someone who is still alive and breathing. Your heart is beating and mine is shattering at the thought of you. You're alive, but the person you were before your addiction is dead. You are cold. You're here, but you're not. I've shed so many tears for you. The utter thought of you makes me so sad that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't found anything more painful than grieving someone who's heart is still beating.