When someone you love dies, the damage is irreparable. I do not think that this life has anything quite as heart-breaking to offer as death. There are not enough words to adequately describe the sadness, the bitterness and the emptiness that always accompany death. Close behind this unbelievable tragedy comes grief. I feel that everyone should know and understand the correct way to grieve.
I will first begin by saying that grief is as personal as our very DNA. There is no "right" or wrong way to grieve. There is no correct way to put yourself back together when it seems as if your universe has fallen apart. Grief is a journey, there are twists and turns and it never really goes away. You will never stop grieving your loved one, rather, this grief will grow and change, just as you do in the following days, weeks, months and even years.
In September 2015, I lost one of the most important people in my life: my cousin Joseph. At age 4, he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. No one really knew how long he had the cancer, but it was only discovered by a chance CT scan following a doctor visit in September of 2014. Less than a year later, he ultimately won and was able to go to his home in the sky. The excruciating pain he was obviously experiencing during all those months was no match for his desire to flirt with his nurses and give his doctors a hard time. He fought incredibly hard, until he simply grew too tired to keep fighting. He soldiered on until the bitter end, with a smile on his face. I will never be able to forget his sweet smile or that contagious laughter of his.
These memories come with a heavy price, though: grief, sadness and anger. I, just as everyone who loved Joseph, am still grieving the greatest little boy I have ever known. To be a part of his short, but sweet life, has been one of the greatest blessings in my own life. Remembering is not always easy though. Some days, this heartache comes out of the blue and nearly incapacitates me. Some days, something as simple as a picture or certain songs are enough to knock the wind out of me.
The grieving process since he passed away has been incredibly intense. The days between his death and the funeral are all a blur to me. I was in denial for weeks, and some days it is still unfathomable to me how one day this person I loved so much was here and the next day he was just gone. Then came the anger. I could not understand how he could fight so hard, and be so covered in prayers by so many, but still not make it. I was livid. I still feel some of the bitterness if I dwell on it too long. Losing Joseph really made me re-examine my relationship with God, thus introducing bargaining. While I still believe that I would give anything, literally anything, to have him back, I know that this is not how God works. I am still cycling through these emotions, quite randomly I might add. I miss him so much every single day, the pain is nearly unbearable sometimes. However, I know Joseph would not want us to be sad, ever.
If you have made it this far, I am here to inform you that you will heal. It may never stop hurting, and you will never forget, but with time you will be able to function. While there is no "right" way to grieve, there is one right thing to do: you have to try to get through this pain by any means necessary. It is all about baby steps. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. It will be hard, but you have to find a way to carry on. Do not be afraid to look at pictures and listen to their favorite song. Do not avoid saying their name or telling stories, because I am certain that remembering, no matter how difficult it may be, is key to finding peace in this living hell. I know how hard it is, God, I know that it is the hardest thing that anyone will ever do, but we all have to do it at some point. Whether you lost this person two days or 20 years ago, always do everything you can to keep their spirit alive. That way, they never really leave you.
