Grief.

Everyone grieves differently.

And there are these so-called stages?

But to be perfectly honest, I don't even know what the stages are.

Nor, do I think you need to follow stages to cope with how you feel.

I recently lost my swimming mentor, someone who made me into the D1 athlete I never thought I could become.

Hank gave me the confidence and the strength to know what hard work and dedication can get you.

He also gave me the tools to cope with tremendous heartbreak and how to lose with grace.

Once I graduated high school Hank and I lost touch.

I think that is my biggest regret.

I took for granted every good memory and time that we spent together, never thinking that my last encounter with Hank would be my last.

Ever since I heard about Hank passing I didn't really address how sad I was, or how unable I was to express those feelings. I have a hard time thinking it is ok for me to be sad when I'm not part of that person's family or someone who was directly involved.

But, I am sad.

I haven't had to feel this way since my Grandpa died.

And even then I don't really remember how I coped with that.

I find myself being angry, and just wanting to get in my car and turn the music up so loud that I can't hear myself think.

I know that my anger is apart of grief, but I don't understand why I am angry.

I turned to writing last summer to handle all these feelings that I couldn't express to others.

I find myself sitting here writing this to handle how I'm feeling with the passing of Hank.

Being 21, about to graduate college, and about to be thrown out into the real world.

I thought my life was stressful enough, that my "problems" were too much to handle anything else.

After hearing about Hank it was like part of my heart had just shattered. My swimming heart.

The part of my heart that carried so much passion.

I'm 21 and trying to figure out how to piece back together a part of my life that had such an impact on who I am as a person.

Hank, I would like to thank you for the endless lectures, jokes, advice, life lessons.

I can't wait to see you again and tell you if the streets of hell are truly lined with those who breathe off their walls.

Heaven please take care of Hank and play lots of grateful dead.