Have you ever kissed a dead person? Not in the necrophiliac type of way. I mean, have you ever kissed a casket? Have you ever watched as someone who meant the world to you, was lowered into the ground? Did you see them begin to cover your loved one with dirt? I have. I've kissed the casket and watched them bury someone I never thought would go. I've played the memories in my head a million times, wondering what I could've done to stop it. 7 years of friendship was gone in a matter of seconds. 7 years of laughter, tears, hugs, and pure love.. Gone.
Have you ever been so angry that you just want to scream and curse everything that ever was and ever will be? I have. I remember when I heard the news, I had never hated the world more. At the burial, I couldn't help but to get angry at the employees handling the casket. "Be easy with him. Don't bang him around like that!"
Have you ever wished that it would've been you instead? Or just wished that it wouldn't have been them? I have. I've wished for it all. The first couple days didn't feel real. Then, a week passed and I started to go into denial. Real denial. "He isn't gone. He just moved away. He just doesn't have signal, so he can't talk to any of us." Have you ever hung out with all of your friends and continue to wait for the one you know will never make it to the party? I have. I waited for him at his own funeral.
Have you ever been told that "it will get easier"? I have. And it's a lie. It doesn't get easier or hurt any less. It doesn't become "normal", it just makes you numb. I'll never stop missing my best friend. I'll never stop wishing he was still here. And I will NEVER understand why God decided it was his time. Does 18 years sound like enough time to you? Yes, he lived life to it's fullest. But do you know what he didn't do? Graduate college, get married, have kids, buy a house, get the career he always wanted. You know why? Because 18 years is not enough time. He impacted many lives, and yes, he had many friends, but he was too good to die.
All of these feelings are enough to make a person wish they could die. I wished I had the guts to end the pain. I just wanted to see him again. I still do. I still have dreams and I still wish he were here. I don't need sympathy and that's not what I am trying to get. They say that losing someone makes you appreciate your own life more, but I no longer scream when the car I am in runs off the road. Instead, I just wait to see what will happen. I don't appreciate my life any more; if anything, I appreciate it less. Every birthday I will ever have will be haunted by the fact that he will never celebrate another birthday. That he will never turn 19, 20, or any other age. Losing someone is waking up every morning, still checking your phone to see if they have called. Losing someone is not a normal thing, and it will never be normal. It will always be a tragedy. They say "think about the best times", but that only makes it worse. I will never get to relive those memories with him again. When we promised each other to be best friends forever, our forever was cut short. The pain is a knife in your gut every time someone says their name. The pain is what was supposed to be a good day, now turned into rain and mud and lightning outside of your window. It is the anxiety you feel while waiting for a jump scare in a horror film, except it never goes away. The pain does not grant that type of relief. It is the sudden realization that while you watch the sunset, they will never watch it with you, so it becomes less beautiful.
Losing someone is more than them being gone forever, a part of you is gone forever too. So, I'll ask again: Have you ever kissed a dead person?
