During the years that I have been driving, I have noticed that people drive differently in different areas. Up north, I noticed one does not need to be as much as a defensive driver as they do in, oh, I don’t know, Florida for example. Let’s talk about how people drive in Florida for a second. I am astonished anew each time I join these Floridians on the road. Just when I think they could not get any better, they come up with new ways to make my driving experience like an arena in “The Hunger Games”. I like to think of them as a herd of sheep crossing a small country road, moseying along with no regard for that one patient car that is waiting for them to get out of the way. They truly are incredible drivers that definitely have some consideration for the other people on the road. If you live in Florida or are planning on moving to Florida, here are some tips on how to become a great driver in the Sunshine State.

Step one: Own a gigantic compensation of a pickup truck that says, “I’m a city boy/girl, but I like to fish.” A Salt Life sticker on the back window is essential. Have you got it? Good! Now you are ready for that special time of day where you get to share your commute with other drivers just as wonderful as you.

Step two: Begin driving on a toll road because that is how you get anywhere in Florida. When you are driving on a multi-lane highway, make sure you get in the far left lane even if you need to get off a right lane exit in less than a mile. When in the left lane, you need to tailgate the crap out of the car in front of you. Tailgating them will definitely get them to move out of your way.

Step three: Decide that the 25 miles per hour over the speed limit that they are going is way too slow. Get angry and pass them with speed and skill only acquired from your years of playing Mario Kart, narrowly missing the front bumper of the car in the right lane behind you. Proceed to get back in the left lane and go significantly slower than you were before just to spite the car behind you.

Step four: This final step is the most crucial. You must remember that no matter what, you are always right. That person you just cut off? You had the right of way! That stop sign you just rolled through? Not for you! Every man, woman and child behind the wheel of a car must yield to you, the fairest driver in all the land.

As you gain more experience with Florida driving, you can mix it up and add your own flare. For example, giving someone the middle finger every now and again makes your whole outing that much more fun. Remember, even though they had the right of way, they deserve it! Now that you know the basics of how to drive in Florida, you are ready to hit the asphalt and show every driver, pedestrian and animal who’s boss. I hope this was as educational as it was not at all sarcastic. Be safe and at least buckle up.