It has recently come to my attention that there is a conspiracy afoot in Wisconsin of a dairy nature. Namely, there is an illegal milk running gang of felines.

I discovered this whilst driving through Milwaukee, where I noticed a large, threatening tabby driving a milk truck erratically whilst smoking a cigar. Additionally, there were an inordinate amount of police cars patrolling the highway, which at first I chalked up to some need to make more money by giving tickets to whoever decided to speed on a Friday morning. However, given the evidence which I found once I decided to investigate the trucker cat, the patrollers were probably trying to catch the thieves red-handed.

I talked to a trucker named Joe* at one of the stops along my journey, and he informed me on the group.

“Yeah, there’s a bunch of cats that’ve been troubling us along here,” he said. “They hide under the trucks while they’re parked and climb onto the tops. Once you’ve unlocked the door to the truck, they drop onto you and mess you up a bit, and then steal the keys and drive off.”

When I asked Joe if he had ever interacted with this gang, he showed me some faded scars on his arm. “I was driving some milk down to Chicago, and I stopped to get some gas in Kenosha. I got back to my truck and this big white cat was hanging around. There was another cat with it, but I forget what it looked like. I got into my truck and the big white one started yowling, so I got out to see what was wrong. Big mistake. They scratched me up real bad and stole my truck, and to add insult to injury stole my hat. Really mean bunch.”

According to my research, the milk gang first began operating out of Vermont sometime in the 1980’s. The cats steal trucks transporting milk, and then drive the milk up to Montreal to sell it on the black market. Why Montreal? It’s under Napoleonic law.

The Canadian border along Vermont was tightened in 1995 to prevent such illegal dairy products from entering the country, so the gang had to move. The cats chose the state of Wisconsin for their next base. This initially posed some greater difficulty in transporting the milk to Quebec, but once the cats realized that inserting themselves into the shipping industry would not only enable their smuggling but would also give them greater access to fishing on the Great Lakes they immediately began investing in their own fleet of barges.

The biggest obstacle faced by the cats is obtaining driver’s licenses. This is because most cats do not live to the age of 16, which is the legal required age to get a license to drive in the United States. Some states, such as Kansas, have lower ages in rural areas, but no licenses are available to beings below the age of ten. As a result, there is a thriving fake I.D. business operating out of Kewaunee to supply below-age cats with driver’s licenses.

I would assume that there are multiple milk gangs operating out of the area, but since felines are already secretive and difficult to find, my research cannot prove that there is any more than just one group.