Life must be pretty hard for musicians. Not only do they have to create music that they appreciate as an artist, but they then have to release it in the hopes that the public receives the music well. After all, listeners and fans are akin to those cool friends who boost you to the top of the fence you’ve got to climb over to get to school. Those listeners are the ones responsible for boosting a single to the top of the charts. I feel for you, musicians.
That’s why I’ve created a list of surefire ways to guarantee that your single is a home-run. Follow these guidelines, and watch the accolades roll in.
1. Repeat yourself as much as possible.
Repetition is the easiest way to make a song catchy. So take the most memorable lines and intersperse it often throughout the song. (Think “Mask Off,” by Future). Alternately, you can go ahead and take one inconsequential word or sound and keep repeating it until it is the only thing you can think of in association to the song. (Think more along the lines of Justin Bieber’s “Baby).
2. Make sure the beat is fire.
I’m not referring to the kind of fire that requires an extinguisher and the “Stop, Drop, and Roll” procedure. I’m talking about the kind of fire that a teenager texts in emoji form as they forward the song to their friends. The same kind of fire that inspires spontaneous dance sessions outside of the school cafeteria. This is the kind of fire that you can feel in your chest when you blast the song in the car. Do you want to know what fuels this fire? Bass. Lots of bass. Oh, and some 808 drums, if you can spare it.
3. Put your heart into the lyrics.
If you’re an artist who does not make much use of bass drums or basic repetition, then make your lyrics very heartfelt. Listeners love to either dance to music, or cry to it. Steeping your single in sentiment gives you access to the public’s heartstrings, and from there, you can force them to propel you to the top of the musical charts.Trust me—I speak from experience. It’s embarrassing how many tears I had to choke back because of Adele’s “Hello.”
4. Have Drake sing the chorus.
I’m not sure exactly what it is about Drake’s voice. Perhaps it’s the languid quality. Maybe it’s the vague monotony of it. Either way, there’s no doubt about it: if Drake is at least singing the chorus of the song, it’s bound to be a winner. It doesn’t matter if the verses are absolutely awful. Drake’s hook will save your single and carry it to victory.
5. Just be Drake.
When you combine all of my previous advice into one artist, you get Drake. Any Drake song that is released onto the radio is probably going to be a guaranteed hit. All you have to do is become Drake, and your career is going to be set forever.
Hopefully this advice will help some burgeoning musicians. Don’t forget about me when you make your Grammy acceptance speech!
