Goodbye, old friend. The words ring in my ears as I type them. They hang in the air around me as they have for the past two days. They haunt me, and to say them out loud is to admit something. To say them out loud is to admit that it's real. The next time I come home, you won't be there. You, with your wagging nubby tail and bright smile. You, with your hilarious antics and loud bark. You armpit loving, face licking, beautiful angel of a dog. You're gone. Just like that. One day here, normal, happy. The next day, you were gone.
Dogs are such strange things. It doesn't seem right to be this sad. It may look silly or trivial to someone who isn't feeling how I'm feeling. It's just this animal that lived in and near my house for 13 years. 13 out of 19. That's more time there than not. That's the majority of a human life lived so far. What seemed like a fixed point in my life was not, and never was. Pets die, they come into our lives and bring such joy, but they can never stay forever. They never were meant to stay forever. They come, and they love us and then they're gone. They teach us to love in ways that we can't even imagine. To love despite circumstance or pain, to love freely and to never stop loving. A dog will forgive you anything, even when you can't forgive yourself.
Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn. Maybe you were supposed to teach me how to love. Boy, were you good at it. You brought me through the toughest times of my life. Little, little things that made big things better. Like when I was sad, and wanted to get away. I'd always come sit on the porch steps. Eventually, you'd find me. You'd lean in and fit your big head under my armpit, and lick my face despite the salty, nasty tears. Things would get just a little brighter then. Just a little more tolerable. Even when it felt like nobody loved me, you did. So thank you. Thank you for always, always being there. Thank you for bringing such joy to my life. Thank you for listening to my problems, and offering kisses in return for the leftovers I was holding. Thank you for seeing me through middle school, high school, and this first difficult year of college. Thank you for the tail wags and the kisses. For saving me over and over again. Thank you for making me laugh even when I didn't want to, for loving me like no one has ever deserved to be loved. Thank you for being my buddy, my companion, and my old man. Thank you for being my dog. I was so, so blessed to have a friend like you for so long.
Goodbye, old friend. I know you're in a better place. I know I will see you again someday, but that doesn't make not having you here now any less painful. So goodbye. I'll say it out loud as a type it, and make it just a tiny bit more real. Goodbye, old friend, and thank you. Goodbye, my oldest friend, I love you.
