"I love you my mom!" is the typical response people say when talking about their moms. As a child, everyone is supposed to love their mom. To the one who has loved them from before they were born. Some kids love their mom to death while others don't even get a chance to meet their mother. Then there are those who are in the middle. The ones who wish it could have been a different mother or that their mother wasn't still with them. After spending most of my life wishing I had a different mother, or that she ever cared about me at all, here I am.
Here I am at 18, ready to go off to college, while she didn't even complete the 8th grade. Mother never cared about me. I was just some child who she never blinked an eye at except to abuse me. That she did care about. At least once a day, if not in the form of physical abuse, it was either mentally or emotionally. It's been over seven years since I last lived with her, over five since the last time I saw her. I had a lot of questions for her when I last saw her. Not once did she answer them. She avoided the whole thing and wanted to tell me how good her life was. As if years of abuse hadn't already turned me away from her, it was that last face-to-face interaction with her that broke the camel's back. I was done with her, I never wanted to hear anything about her.
I am finally getting over it. Does this mean I forgive her? No. No, it does not mean I forgive my mother in the slightest. This means my final goodbye. This is my last goodbye letter to her. I've tried to write this a hundred times, but I feel like this will be it. I am glad I got through my childhood even if it was rough thanks to you.
Thanks to you, I'm still weary of being weak and needing to rely on people. Thanks to you mother, I have PTSD and it sucks. It sucks to be hit in the head on a school bus and have memories come flooding back of YOU. It sucks having to wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares of you coming back. It's still painful to think about my childhood and all the memories of abuse from you. All my life has been a struggle because of you. Thanks to you, I have to be careful to explain my significant hearing loss in my left ear due to "childhood trauma". I vowed that I never would end up like you. I actually went to high school and graduated. I walked the stage with my class, the class of 2016.
Now within the next month, I will be entering the next stage in my life: college. I have a fantastic roommate and I can't wait to tell Dad all about the adventures her and I will have. I am already more than you ever told me I would be. I've already proven you wrong mother. This is it. You will never hear directly from me again because this is my last goodbye letter to you. I'm tired of trying to ignore everything about you, so this is me cutting myself off from everything concerning you. I'm done having memories of you ruining me stain my childhood and I am not about to have you ruin the rest of my life as well.
This is me, letting go of you for once and all.
