When I used to think about the future, I always thought about it like some abstract, far off thing that could change into whatever I wanted it to be. In my daydreams I could be a beekeeper that came home to my two best friends in our ivy-covered cottage, where we'd make strawberry jam and befriend woodland animals. I fantasized about choosing between Columbia, Juilliard or Oxford, where I'd graduate as valedictorian and become rich and famous for doing something that I loved with every inch of my being. My "future" consisted of me having a disgusting amount of money— enough to send my little sister to the art school of her dreams, buy a penthouse apartment for my parents in New York City, and buy a farmhouse in the Philippines for monthly visits with our extended family, and at the end of the day our lives would be so, so easy.
Currently, as an incoming college freshman, I'm at a point in my life where that mutability has started to slip through my fingers. All my life I've dreamed of moving back to the city, and here I am, moving back to the city, alone. It's been hard to watch my friends leave for college, even though I know there's a possible second wave of COVID-19 that could send them straight home. Even so, the fact that they're going to change and grow without me makes me feel so... sad. I'm so excited for them to see the world and discover who they are and what makes them happy, but it's weird to think that they might change into someone I might not like as much. As I say goodbye to the people I call home, it feels like I'm saying goodbye to the way things are now, not just relationship-wise but, in some aspects, life as I know it, and I've learned a few things in the process.
1. Vulnerability is scary and can be so incredibly worth it.
The night my first friend left, it rained. We all sat in a circle in the middle of the road outside his house and let ourselves silently enjoy each other's company. To be honest, I didn't know how to say goodbye to anyone. We were all so used to saying "see you later," and we weren't equipped to deal with something so final as goodbye. The group hug was fast and detached, all of us letting go too soon, until he started to talk. He's not one for sharing his feelings, but he was so vulnerable then, talking to the sky about love and where we fit within that for him. I ugly cried that night, but he paved the way for the seven of us to be honest about our fears for our friendship and the love we had for each other. It's silly to think that I was so scared of showing the people I love how much I cared, but I was scared that once I said something, it would feel real. No one wants to be hurt in that way, but we hadn't hashed it out there underneath the streetlamp and rushed our goodbye, I wouldn't have felt the overwhelming love that came hand-in-hand with the feelings of loss.
2. There is beauty in things that are temporary.
There were six of us left in our hometown, and the night that we became five hit in a different way. I sat in my room thinking long and hard about treasured memories, and I mourned the way that my relationships were already changing. I remembered this quote from Winnie the Pooh, a show that didn't need to go as hard as it did:
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -- Winnie the Pooh
It's difficult to accept when things are coming to an end, especially when they were so good before. However, I came to the conclusion that it's better to let some experiences be temporary than to drag them out in a way that tampers with what made it special. Indeed, the way I saw it, I was so fortunate to have something to lose. I was sad because I had loved and been loved so deeply, and what we had was beautiful. To know I have that in any shape or form means that I am worthy of it, and that I am able to find it again. Once I figured that out, I realized that the lonely feeling I had felt was temporary too.
The future is no longer this vague notion of a life that I'm going to be living. My future is my present, a stranger with my face, who's staring at me with wide eyes. She isn't what I had in mind, but I've learned a lot from her, and I am so excited to see what she does next.
