Have you ever been stuck at a table, or some place with your friends, and you were all on your phones? No doubt your friends are wonderful people, but we all know how phones become the go-to when conversation lags. This is a difficult spot to be in and kickstarting conversation can be intimidating. Now, my friends know that I really like to ask questions so here are a few tips I've picked up on how to get good conversations flowing!
1. During one on ones: listen, remember, ask. Did one of your friends pour his or her heart out to you last week? Are you currently listening to a friend who is really frustrated? Were you hanging out with a group and someone said something you wanted to follow up on? Turn on an active listening ear when you're in conversation with someone else. Active listening means that you're concentrating on the person: their mannerisms and tone of voice as they speak. Then work on remembering something you want to follow up on later. Maybe wait a day or two and then when you see them next say, "Hey, remember when you talked about X? I'd love to hear more about it." Or "Hey, you seemed kind of down when you mentioned Y. Is there anything I can do to help?" The pattern of listening, remembering and repeating always gives you a way to initiate and care in conversations.
2. When someone else wants to join: bring your O.A.R. We've all been there. You're in a circle of people and another person comes over. You turn your body to the side to admit them into the circle, but have no idea to say when they arrive. Vice versa, you want to join the circle of people but changing the conversation seems to be the height of awkwardness. O.A.R. stands for observe, ask and reveal. Observe, whether it's something about your surroundings, that awesome dress or some sweet kicks a gal or guy may be wearing, a neutral observation can be a great way to enter or start a conversation. Next: ask. Ask a question, if it follows from an observation follow up with a question: "Hey, those are really cool shoes. Where did you get them?" or "How do you choose your wardrobe?" or "That pool looks really nice. Has anyone gone in yet?" Finally, reveal. Say something about yourself: "I actually sew." Or, "I met the head of Nike yesterday." Or "I hate going swimming alone." A small point of vulnerability can really help both you and others open up. It may seem intimidating, but with some practice, you'll be bringing your O.A.R. with you everywhere.
3. Surprise, surprise: going beyond the 'favorites.' We all love favorite moments, but because favorites usually spark sharing rather than conversation, try asking about other emotions or likes. What surprised you today? What new thing did you notice today? These kinds of questions inspire more mindfulness. Also, asking 'favorites' implies that someone likes something, while asking about surprises can be neutral: surprised at a troubling revelation, surprised at an unexpectedly happy moment or even surprised at having to think about it for a while.
4. Go for the unexpected: get creative. Okay, if you were asked: "If your coffee mug could speak, what would it say?" Would you laugh or think I'm a weirdo? Or . . . would you search for your inner child that turned your hairbrush into a laser gun and cereal bowl into mini-alien colony? The point is: get creative when asking people questions. Things about their day-to-day choices, what they enjoy most about work, what they would do if they didn't have to sleep or eat make great conversation starters and are good for laughs. Think outside the box. Let people surprise you!
5. Be you: it's not an interrogation. The best way to invite others into conversation is to be yourself. If you're passionate about sustainable agriculture, awesome! Tell a few stories or facts, but leave room for someone else to listen and then ask you a question or two. If you're the listener, be bold, and find a good pausing spot to ask a question. But most of all: be yourself and ask questions with sincerity. Listen to how you ask questions and keep an ear out for 'your voice.' A sincere question is much more likely to be answered than a fabricated prompt.
The next time you're surrounded or succumbing to phone screens try some of these handy tips. You'll get ideas flowing and memories chatting in no time!
