I like to think of myself as a pretty independent person. I like to pride myself on the fact that I am able to do things on my own without asking people for help. I like to say that I was able to overcome a difficult situation without complaining about how I felt and how hard it was. I tend to be pretty sure that I could do a lot of things on my own. Sometimes, I don’t think I need anyone. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. Sometimes I will admit that, subconsciously, I don’t think that I need God. Oh boy, am I wrong.

Coming into college, I told myself that I wasn’t going to drift from God. I never understood how people would drift from God in college. How hard could it be to go to church once a week, right? Wrong. It has been hard. You go to sleep late Saturday night, you wake up late Sunday morning, and you find yourself bombarded with so much reading and homework that you tell yourself you don’t have time to go to church anymore. It seems that God gets the short end of the stick and constantly gets pushed to the back. And, I tend to do that, as much as I wish I didn’t.

I turned away from the one person who would never turn away from me. I neglected the one person who always hears my cries, no matter how repetitive they may become. I hurt the one person who would never hurt me. Yet, He still loves me. He never stops. The fact that I have a Father who loves me endlessly, whether I deserve it or not, never fails to amaze me.

When I was younger people would always ask what my three wishes would be if I had them. And, well, my first wish was always to sit on God’s lap for one day… to give Him a hug and ask Him my endless amount of questions. I mean, could you blame me? I was curious. Why did God do the things that He did? Why did He make us go through trials and tribulations when they only caused us pain? Sadly, my wish has not come true, and I have not received my answer. However, I think it’s okay. I won’t always know why God does things the way that He does. But, the fact that He has a reason for them, the fact that He cares, gives me enough peace of mind.

There is a reason that God holds the pen instead of me. For starters, I tend to make many mistakes on paper, and life doesn’t always come with an eraser to start over. Luckily, I have a Father who has it all planned out for me. And, yes, there may be times that I do make mistakes, but God planned it out for my own good. As upset as I may be in that moment, God had a reason for doing what He did. He sees the whole picture while I only see the mere chapter, and I need to trust that.

I’m sorry, God, for drifting away from You and being the lost sheep, but thank You for continuously seeking me. I’m sorry for pushing You away when all You wanted to do was draw me close, but thank You for always having Your arms open to me. I’m sorry for thinking I knew what was best for me and ignoring You, but thank You for being persistent anyways.

I am not perfect, and I know that I am bound to mess up again in the future. But, God, I ask that You please never give up on me. A life without You is in possible because I know that I cannot, but You can. I love You, God.