I've been wanting to write a positive article about God and the church, one that inspires people to come back to God, and maybe one that would even inspire others to come back to church. But, honestly, I can't. I can't, because I use the church and my religion to shame myself, instead of using it to grow deeper into a relationship with God. My religion turns me away from God because it makes me feel like I am never enough for Him.

I'm not really sure when this started happening, but I've noticed, especially recently, that I use my religion as a way to bring more shame upon myself. I set standards so high and unattainable for myself to be a "perfect Christian," that when I don't achieve them, I feel like I have failed God. For example, I have a standard, or a rule as some would call it, that, if I get angry at anyone or anything, I am automatically a bad Christian.

Oftentimes, I become upset with my parents and start to feel anger or bitterness towards them. I automatically turn these feelings inward, transforming that hostility into shame and telling myself that I am a bad person and bad Christian; after all, good Christians honor their mother and father. If I make any mistake or hurt anyone's feelings, I automatically turn those actions inwards, which causes me to feel guilt and eventual shame. And I feel it all the time.

I grew up Catholic and have been surrounded by Catholic institutions my entire life. My schools (pre-k through college) have all been Catholic, I go to Catholic mass every Sunday and even have a slew of Catholic friends and mentors that I am lucky enough to be surrounded by. For some, the Catholic faith has been nothing but helpful throughout their life.

For me personally, however, I find it adds more complexity and definitely more shame. My religion oftentimes makes me feel "less than," instead of "enough." It frequently leaves me feeling guilty, shameful and left in the dust because I feel like I am never following all of the rules that will get me to heaven. I make mistakes, often, and, instead of turning to God for compassion and forgiveness, I run from Him, because I fear that He will leave me stranded or send me to hell because I haven't followed the church's rules exactly.

Lately, I've been thinking, and a thought crossed my mind that gave me a glimmer of hope back: I think that God may just be more important than religion. That's right, God just might be more important than religion. He may be bigger and better than anyone could even comprehend. Including the churches.

Acts 17:24-26 and 28 says this:

God, who made the world and everything in it, is Lord of heaven and Earth and does not live in temples made by human hands. Nor does He need anything that we can supply by working for Him, since it is He Himself who gives life and breath and everything else to everyone.
As someone has said 'in him we live and move and exist.' It is as some of your poets have said, 'We too are His children.'

This bible verse alone gives me so much hope, because, to me, it says that God doesn't need us for anything, yet He chooses us every single day. What's more important: following the rules of churches made by humans, or following God and Jesus themselves, living a life that is full of love, service, and gratitude? Personally, I think the latter option is more important. God loves His children. It is repeated so many times in the bible. God IS love.

So, why is religion so important? Why do I let the rules of religion set up by humans dictate my relationship with God? Well, I don't have the answer to that right now, but I know that it shouldn't. The golden rules ordained by God are separate from the ones interpreted by humans. And the rules of religion set up by humans should not dictate my relationship with God.

If my religion is hindering my relationship with God, then what purpose does it serve? Religion is supposed to help us grow in our faith, not shame us away from it. God is loving and kind, and He knows who we are from top to bottom, from inside to out. He knows our past and our future, including all the mistakes we will have and will continue to make, and still, He loves us; that is the truth. God loves us, despite our imperfections.

So maybe, just maybe, I will take my focus away from religion for a little while and shift it more towards my God, who wants every piece of me, including my imperfections.