Growing up, I had a lot of judgment towards Christians who weren't Catholic. I didn't necessarily have judgment towards them as human beings, but more so towards the religious paths, they were following. I thought that being Catholic was the right way and the only way, so I never really gave other religions the time of day; I simply thought my way was the best way. It wasn't until I went off to college that my faith became shaky, and my religion became tested.
I've never really had a loving relationship with God. I know that He is love, and I have been told that He loves me, but I have never really embraced it or felt it deep in my soul. To me, God has always been a judge, someone who is more worthy than anything I have to offer. I have never really thought of God as my father, but more so as a guy, I need to try really hard to please, so that I can go to heaven and be happy.
Now, let's take a moment to realize just how backward that is.
God IS love. He sent His only son down to Earth to give us salvation because He wanted to, not because He had to. That is love. Pure, unconditional love. Although my heart knows that this is true, and it logically makes sense in my brain, I have such a hard time living in God's merciful love and grace, and I think it's because of my religion.
You see, for a long time, while I've been attending Catholic masses, I've felt guilt and shame. I leave church feeling scared of God and wanting to run from Him rather than wanting to please Him and love Him from the depths of my heart and soul. That makes me incredibly sad; I would imagine that makes God sad, too. Religion is supposed to be a guideline to help one develop a deeper relationship with God, not a tool to constantly shame yourself. Sadly, a good portion of the time when I leave mass, I feel more confused and villainized than redeemed and loved.
Now, before all of my Catholic friends freak out, I would like to clarify that I am not saying that the church is at fault for my relationship with God not being as fulfilled as I would like it to be. I'm just simply saying that, right now, the Catholic church is not helping me grow closer to God. Right now, my religion is pushing me away from God more than it is pulling me close to Him. And I know that it's okay that the Catholic faith isn't working for me right now, because God is not confined to a single branch of religion.
Two weeks ago, I went to a different church, under a different denomination and I felt God. I felt His love, mercy, and forgiveness. In fact, I spent the first half of the mass with tears in my eyes, because I felt Him so much, and that was a feeling that I haven't felt in a very long time.
It's crazy how God works, right? Just last year, I was so put off by the idea of going to a church under a different denomination, yet this is where I felt God's love the most. It was incredible how that service changed my week. I spent that next week truly walking with God, talking to Him throughout the day, feeling His presence and knowing that He loves me unconditionally, just as I am right now. It was empowering, and it taught me a good lesson.
God is not bound by the rules of religion, He made them.
In fact, God is not controlled nor bound by anything in this world, not religion, politics or war, because He is so much bigger than all of that than all of us. If there is one thing I have learned from going to a different church it is this: God's love is everywhere, go where you feel it most. After all, in the end, God will look at our words, actions, and hearts, not our denomination.
