Okay, so if you don’t live under a rock, you’ve heard that Vine is getting shut down. There’s some business nonsense behind it, but essentially, Twitter, who owns Vine, is a mess. No one will buy them because it would require fixing their mess. They can’t afford to deal with Vine, so they’re getting rid of it — which is stupid. Delete Twitter. Twitter is dumb and way worse than Vine. Who even uses Twitter anymore? Don’t answer that. I don’t care. But, in reality, that’s not the reason Vine is being deleted. Vine is being deleted because God (whichever you believe in) is punishing us.

Vine was a good and pure place (with some exceptions that I will address later). It was a place where the jokes were never too long. It was a place where people had to become extremely skilled at capturing people’s attention for six seconds because improving lives for just that short amount of time seemed worth it. I got to see old teachers dancing to “I Don’t F*** With You,” #relatable everyday situations acted out, and the kind of slapstick comedy that can only be created by slamming a foot on someone’s keyboard while yelling, “SAIL.”

Nothing will ever match the power that Vine has over me. It’s been corrupted before (*cough* *cough* Nash Grier and other Viners using their fame to be gross and offensive or those who even committed sexual assault *hacking cough*), but we’ve done our best to cleanse the website and be forgiven. God has been merciful. But now He’s had it. He done. We have hecked up so bad that He felt the need to take away this blessing.

This needs to be fixed. And don’t tell me I can just go on Snapchat or Instagram or, God forbid, Youtube. Ten-second videos? Fifteen?? A minute??? (Are those the times? I don’t care.) Too much. I can’t deal with that. I can’t pretend that those are short enough to procrastinate homework. #sixsecondsorbust

I don’t know exactly what it is that made God so mad. Was is Donald Trump? Was is Brexit? The Harambe jokes? Who knows for sure? We just need to fix things. I know that making the world better has been on the backburner. I get it. But now we need to do better. For Vine.

If we lose Vine, I’m gonna McFreakin’ lose it. You don’t wanna see that, friends. @Twitter or @God, stop trying to take away my livelihood. What the frick frack is Thomas Sanders gonna do now? Study? Be a normal student? Nah. Not good. Not okay. These people can’t just be normal people. They deserve fame because they are Better™ than us. And I need what they give me. Don’t force me to go through withdrawals. I’ll solve homelessness or environmental problems or whatever. I don’t care. Fill out my whole ballot, God. Just let me keep Vine.

Thnx, Peace & Love,

Tessa, your favorite, probably