"I don't deserve this!"

I said falling to the floor in tears, holding my shattered heart.

That was the morning I truly began to understand the never-ending, undying love and mercy of God. It was a love that no man could give me, and the type of love no friend could show me.

You see, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done and said things that can never take back or change. The pain that comes from those dreadful memories of who I once was can be unbearable at times. It was a constant battle in my head. I struggled to believe that anyone could ever love me...And for those I hurt, to forgive me. I became my own worst enemy. I deprived myself of the most basic forms of self-love. I stopped caring and started looking for things that could fill this gaping hole inside my chest. I started looking for love In all the wrong places. Maybe there was someone...anyone...who could love a girl like me.

Relationship after relationship, I watched history repeat itself.

"What is wrong with me?"

I sobbed one night after getting a phone call of yet another failed relationship. I pleaded with God for hours to make the heartache that I was feeling to stop. I could feel my heart racing, and catching my breath was painful. I had so many questions running through my head. So many whys and what ifs.

Waking one morning with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.

"I can't do this," I said.

I didn't want to leave the safety of my bed, I didn't want to face people with clear evidence on my face that I had been up most of the night crying. I didn't want to go on pretending that everything was fine when on the inside I was a complete mess.

I forced myself out of bed, did my best to put together a presentable outfit, and smeared foundation onto the bags underneath my eyes. Forty minutes until class, I have forty minutes. I sat on the edge of my bed and began to pray.

"God I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling right now, but I would much rather not be feeling anything at all."

And then I remembered what I had read in my devotions a while back.

"And to know that Love Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:19

All I could do was hang my head and let the words from that verse sink deep and become rooted in my heart. I can't tell you that all of a sudden I felt all warm and happy on the inside, but I can tell you that I felt a peace come over me. It's as if a part of me would not feel like this forever, that it would get better.

Amidst the pain, suffering, the heartache, and confusions.

I felt God gently whisper to me,

"I love you."

No matter what.

Forever.

For always.

And that is enough.