Like many people, I grew up going to church from a very young age. Some of my earliest childhood memories include me asking my aunt for a piece of gum during a church service and being prayed over at the altar. I remember thinking that no other radio station existed other than my hometown Christian radio station (shout out to KXOJ).
When I was thirteen, my parents separated. My world got turned upside down from a tug-of-war style of a custody battle. I felt that I had to choose sides and I never wanted to disappoint my parents. I wanted to honor them because that's what the Bible says you should do. I began to lose faith, thinking that the battle would never end, so I withdrew into myself. I still went to church, hung out with all of my friends, but I was so empty inside. The God that was so present inside my heart before seemed like a distant being that didn't care much for me at all. I ended up getting into an accident which resulted in both of my parents taking me to the emergency room with a swollen, black eye and a major concussion. The doctor gave my parents and me the news that I might possibly have a mass forming on my brain.
Once again, I withdrew even more into myself. My life was dark and, at thirteen, I thought my life was over. One night at a church function, I began to weep in fear for my life. I was scared that whatever the doctors had found was going to kill me. My mom took me over to our pastor and he began praying over me. He prayed for my young life to be whole again. I knew that it wasn't just my health he was praying for, it was my heart too. He was praying that God would comfort my tiny, broken heart--and let me tell you, God showed up in a big way. I was comforted and I felt his presence in my life more than I ever had before. I went back to the doctor for an MRI and the test came back completely clean. At that time, I felt like there was nothing that could ever happen that would tear me away from my faith again. But then I entered into adulthood.
Even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt what God was capable of doing, I was still swayed into believing that God wouldn't come through for me. I began feeling that I was capable of living life on my own. I still considered myself a Christian, but I wasn't living life the way that I should have been. Every now and again I would realize what was going on and I would tell myself "tomorrow I will begin reading my bible again," or "tomorrow I will work on strengthening my prayer life." Tomorrow never seemed to come. I put it off and put it off and I told myself that when I was married I would be the strong, Christian woman that my husband deserved. I was hanging out with the wrong people and I was searching to fill a void that only God could fill. Around that time, I ended up getting into another accident that involved me flipping my Jeep several times. During that accident, I remember thinking that I was going to die. As I was screaming, a still, small voice told me "this is not the end."
It couldn't be the end. I began screaming "Jesus" over and over at the top of my lungs and then it finally stopped. Everything got quiet. I was hanging upside down in my car, still constrained by my seat belt. I wasn't for sure where I was, but two women and a man from a nearby church came to help me out of my vehicle. I crawled out with only a seat belt burn and small lacerations on my hands. Everyone kept telling me they were shocked I was even walking. After everything had happened and I was at home by myself, my heart began to break. I began to beg God for forgiveness over and over again. I begged him to forgive me for thinking I didn't need him. I felt that God was telling me that even though I was not faithful to him, he was still faithful to me. He still loved me, even though I was not faithful to him. He still protected me from danger.
It's been three years since that accident, and almost ten years since my accident at thirteen. I am married now and have two wonderful sets of family that I am so thankful for. I have realized that my walk with Jesus on this earth is not a destination, but a constant journey to the ultimate destination. I know that life won't always be perfect and I am not perfect, but God is always with me. I am thankful for guidance from my husband, my spiritual role models and the Holy Spirit.
