CHARLOTTE, NC— Earlier this week a news story broke about terminally ill John Smith, who suffers from lung damage caused by years of smoking crack cocaine. The interview of Smith ran fairly smoothly in the beginning, apart from the frequent interjection of bible verses, which were, obviously, very enlightening and necessary. During the beginning of the interview we talked about safe topics, like his mother and favorite childhood pet, however, the mood of the interview drastically changed when talking about people's right to die.
Apart from being assaulted with bible verses, all was well until asked his views on assisted suicide. Immediately we learned that he is very passionate about how other people should live their lives. "That is a disgusting practice," he stated. "Only God should be able to decide how anyone should die!" Smith began to kick his feet and whine like a child. His very professional outburst may have been caused by his extracurricular cocaine activities, which have been known to cause anger issues and will slowly kill the user.
Smith's mother later apologized for his actions, as she had earlier turned on the news, which was reporting on an assisted suicide case. Shortly after seeing the story Smith began to mope and was distraught at the thought of someone choosing to meet their end in a way they felt was more dignified than a slow painful death. "He was already triggered from that news report, so it would have been better for all of you to cater to his emotions," Mrs. Smith commented. This touch of knowledge would have better served us at the beginning of the interview as we did not know how fragile Smith's feelings were. An official statement has been scheduled to be released later today, apologizing for our humane views.
After several minutes, Smith was able to regain control of himself. Apologizing for the stress we put him under, we attempted to change the subject but, nevertheless, he persisted. "God deserves everything that we can give him. That includes every ounce of respect for every single one of his creations. We should all band together and work harder to ensure that people's rights don't pass in the US government," Smith told us, "It is very saddening to know that some people have lost their minds, and my thoughts and prayers go out to the families of those disgraceful individuals."
Three-quarters of the way through the interview, Smith began to overheat, so he removed his coat, which revealed a tattoo sleeve. When asked about the artwork, Smith replied, "It's a part of how I express myself." He further elaborated mentioning that he is notorious for his tattoos and they are widely accepted in his church community, which shows just how understanding and kind they are.
Just as his church has been to him, Smith hopes to leave behind a legacy of love and understanding as he continues to be a user, killing himself slowly, but most importantly, above all else, even other human's rights, he continues to be a Christian.
UPDATE—John Smith has tragically died due to complications with his lung damage. He will be missed by his four ex-wives and will be remembered through the tattoos members of his church got in his honor. His death affects many as they will have one less person dictating how they live their lives.