Man Says Only God Should Decide How You Die

Man Says Only God Should Decide How You Die

A satirical news report about euthanasia and physician assisted suicide.


CHARLOTTE, NC— Earlier this week a news story broke about terminally ill John Smith, who suffers from lung damage caused by years of smoking crack cocaine. The interview of Smith ran fairly smoothly in the beginning, apart from the frequent interjection of bible verses, which were, obviously, very enlightening and necessary. During the beginning of the interview we talked about safe topics, like his mother and favorite childhood pet, however, the mood of the interview drastically changed when talking about people's right to die.

Apart from being assaulted with bible verses, all was well until asked his views on assisted suicide. Immediately we learned that he is very passionate about how other people should live their lives. "That is a disgusting practice," he stated. "Only God should be able to decide how anyone should die!" Smith began to kick his feet and whine like a child. His very professional outburst may have been caused by his extracurricular cocaine activities, which have been known to cause anger issues and will slowly kill the user.

Smith's mother later apologized for his actions, as she had earlier turned on the news, which was reporting on an assisted suicide case. Shortly after seeing the story Smith began to mope and was distraught at the thought of someone choosing to meet their end in a way they felt was more dignified than a slow painful death. "He was already triggered from that news report, so it would have been better for all of you to cater to his emotions," Mrs. Smith commented. This touch of knowledge would have better served us at the beginning of the interview as we did not know how fragile Smith's feelings were. An official statement has been scheduled to be released later today, apologizing for our humane views.

After several minutes, Smith was able to regain control of himself. Apologizing for the stress we put him under, we attempted to change the subject but, nevertheless, he persisted. "God deserves everything that we can give him. That includes every ounce of respect for every single one of his creations. We should all band together and work harder to ensure that people's rights don't pass in the US government," Smith told us, "It is very saddening to know that some people have lost their minds, and my thoughts and prayers go out to the families of those disgraceful individuals."

Three-quarters of the way through the interview, Smith began to overheat, so he removed his coat, which revealed a tattoo sleeve. When asked about the artwork, Smith replied, "It's a part of how I express myself." He further elaborated mentioning that he is notorious for his tattoos and they are widely accepted in his church community, which shows just how understanding and kind they are.

Just as his church has been to him, Smith hopes to leave behind a legacy of love and understanding as he continues to be a user, killing himself slowly, but most importantly, above all else, even other human's rights, he continues to be a Christian.

UPDATE—John Smith has tragically died due to complications with his lung damage. He will be missed by his four ex-wives and will be remembered through the tattoos members of his church got in his honor. His death affects many as they will have one less person dictating how they live their lives.

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I'm The College Girl Who Likes Trump And Hates Feminism, And Living On A Liberal Campus Is Terrifying

I will not sugarcoat it: I don't feel safe on my own campus.


I will get right to the point: being a conservative on a liberal college campus in 2019 downright terrifying.

At my university, I'm sure about 90% of the population, both students and faculty, are liberals. They are very outspoken, never afraid to express their views, opinions, and feelings in several ways. There are pride events for the LGBT community, a huge celebration for MLK day, and tons of events for feminists.

Then there's the minority: the conservatives. The realists. The "racists," "bigots," and "the heartless." I am everything the liberals absolutely despise.

I like Donald Trump because he puts America first and is actually getting things done. He wants to make our country a better place.

I want a wall to keep illegals out because I want my loved ones and me to be safe from any possible danger. As for those who are genuinely coming here for a better life, JUST FILL OUT THE PAPERWORK INSTEAD OF SNEAKING AROUND.

I'm pro-life; killing an infant at nine months is inhumane to me (and yet liberals say it's inhumane to keep illegals out…but let's not get into that right now).

I hate feminism. Why? Because modern feminism isn't even feminism. Slandering the male species and wanting to take down the patriarchy is just ridiculous.

I hate the media. I don't trust anyone in it. I think they are all biased, pathological liars. They purposely make our president look like the devil himself, leaving out anything good he does.

I will not sugarcoat it: I don't feel safe on my own campus.

I mostly keep my opinions to myself out of fear. When I end up getting one of my "twisted" and "uneducated" thoughts slip out, I cringe, waiting for the slap in the face.

Don't get me wrong; not everyone at my university is hostile to those who think differently than they do.

I've shared my opinions with some liberal students and professors before, and there was no bloodshed. Sure, we may not see eye to eye, but that's okay. That just means we can understand each other a little better.

Even though the handful of students and faculty I've talked to were able to swallow my opinions, I'm still overwhelmed by the thousands of other people on campus who may not be as kind and attentive. But you can't please everybody. That's just life.

Your school is supposed to be a safe environment where you can be yourself. Just because I think differently than the vast majority of my peers doesn't mean I deserve to be a target for ridicule. No one conservative does. Scratch that, NO ONE DOES.

I don't think I'll ever feel safe.

Not just on campus, but anywhere. This world is a cruel place. All I can do is stand firm in my beliefs and try to tolerate and listen to the clashing opinions of others. What else can I do?

All I can say is... listen. Be nice. Be respectful of other's opinions, even if you strongly disagree. Besides, we all do have one thing in common: the desire for a better country.

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Dear Young Voices Of America, Stand Up, Speak Up, And Do Something

Our time is now.


Dear young voices of America, I think we can both agree that we are sick of being told we are America's future while simultaneously being told our opinions don't matter. Now I personally do not listen to the people that tell me I'm better seen than heard; however, I know there are people that are a little timider when it comes to raising their voices. I am here to encourage you to be loud and speak up on topics that matter to you. There is no better time than the present to make your voice heard. Whether you are advocating for change in your school or the government, your opinion matters and is relevant.

We are the future of our country. How are we supposed to evoke change and reform if we can't have our voices heard? I call bullshit and I think it's time to take action. Even if you're the first or only person to advocate for your cause, be that person. Don't be afraid of anyone that tries to stand in your way. The only person that can stop you from speaking up for yourself and your cause is you. No matter how many nos you have to hear to get a yes or how many doors you have to knock on to get someone to open up, never give up. Never give up on your cause, never give up on yourself or the people you're representing, just don't do it. There is someone out there that supports you. Maybe they're just too shy to raise their voice too. Be encouraging and be supportive and get people to take a stand with you.

It is never too early or too late to start thinking about your future or to take action. But don't hesitate to say something. The sooner you start speaking up, the sooner you have people joining you and helping you, and the sooner you start to see and experience change. So get up, make that sign, write that letter, make that phone call, take part in that march, give that speech. Do whatever you feel fit to get your point across. Shout it from the rooftops, write it on your profile, send it in a letter, ignore everyone that tries to tell you to give up. Maybe they don't understand now, maybe they don't want to listen, maybe they're afraid to listen, but the more you talk about it and help them understand what exactly you are trying to get across, they will join you.

Even when it feels like you have nobody on your side but yourself, I am on your side. I will cheer you on, I will march with you hand in hand, I will write letters and make phone calls and help you find your voice. My life changed when I found my voice and yours will too.

So dear young voices of America, the time is now. Your time is now. Don't be afraid of the obstacles that you may have to face. Someone is out there waiting for you, waiting to grab your hand and march on with you. As Tarana Burke once said "Get up. Stand up. Speak up. Do something."

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