When I was growing up, I could have told you exactly how my life was going to go. I wanted a red convertible Mustang at 16. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be married by 23 and have kids by 25. I was going to live in a plantation-style home with my husband, our two kids, three cats, and one dog.
I didn’t get a Mustang at 16; I got a Pontiac G8, which ended up being better. I’m not a lawyer; while I was taking the Bar exam, I realized that is not something I would ever enjoy. I’m 24 now, and I’m definitely not married. I’m not even engaged. If everything goes according to mine and my boyfriend’s current plan, I’d be lucky to get engaged by 26, which is after the timeframe of when I wanted to have kids by. I will not be living in a plantation-style home in the near future, or probably ever because I don’t even know if I want that anymore. We live in a one-bedroom apartment with maybe 900 square feet. I do have three cats, but two of them live with my parents, so I really only have one cat. My boyfriend has a dog, which makes her almost my dog too, so I suppose that can count as having one dog.
If I would have gotten married at 23 like I wanted, I would have been in an awful marriage. I had recently gotten out of a relationship with an awful human being, and I had just started hanging out with my current boyfriend. Also, getting married that young also sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:00 to me, and that’s something I don’t do. I honestly don’t even know what I was thinking then.
Anyways, my point is, good things come to those who wait. If I would have gotten married this year, I would still be in grad school. I don’t want to be in school while I’m married, and I definitely don’t want to have kids while I’m trying to go to school. I want to be able to enjoy my husband without the added stressors of going to school too.
I now realize why I wasn’t given the things I wanted then. It’s because something better is waiting. Good things take time to happen, and good things do happen.
However, knowing this does not stop me from wanting those things to happen now, nor does it stop me from occasionally feeling badly about myself. When you see all your friends or old classmates starting their careers, their marriages, and/or their families, it makes you feel a little slow on the process. Would I love to be engaged/married to my soulmate right now? Absolutely. Is that feasible for either of us right now? No.
On the plus side, do I want kids right now? Absolutely not. At least I have that going for me!
Regardless, I sometimes catch myself thinking these crazy “what if” thoughts, and that is probably the most harmful thing. I actually stress myself out thinking things like: “What if I’m 30 by the time it’s right for me to have kids?” “What if I don’t even have any eggs left then?” “What if it takes me years to get pregnant and I end up being 40 or something.” “What if I can’t even have kids?” “What if I don’t get married until I’m 30?”
Why do I even think these things? I am well aware that these are very irrational thoughts, but I can’t help it. One day, I’ll get everything I want. I know that. However, that day is not today. That day is not even next year. Talk to me in two or three years, and I’ll let you know how I’m doing then.
So after realizing that there are reasons as to why I’m not getting everything I want, I need to stop comparing myself to other people. Other people are not me. And I really need to remember that eventually, one day, I will have the things that I’m meant to have. Which means, I won’t have a red convertible Mustang because I don’t want one anymore. I’ll be a social worker instead of a lawyer because I think that is my calling. But, I’ll always still want three cats, if not more.
