I haven't been home since 2015 (high school graduation), for more than 5 days. I was so eager to leave and never look back, that I took it too literal. I've spent a month in Naples, Florida, and I've come to terms with things I tried so hard to forget. In my recent self discovery, I've learned to appreciate the people that have always managed to pick me up, even when they can't pick themselves up. This one is for you Abbey & Rachael.
Although you may never cross paths, you guys resemble each other in ways that eyes can't see. You both exist in different life stages, because Rachael will always know my high school self; and Abbey will never get to see that part of me. As I was driving home from Miami, I realized that I wouldn't be half the person I am today, if it were not for those moments of positivity you guys have always given me. I realized that you guys (probably) don't know how much it means to me, and how tightly I hold to those acts of kindness. I am beyond thankful that I manage to have one in Naples, and the other in Chicago.
Thank you for making me breakfast in bed, and I'm sorry you don't have friends (including myself) that would make you breakfast in bed. You always carry such a burden, but never try to make anyone feel inferior.
You always ask others how they are, hoping that one day they too ask you how you're doing.
I know you're the mom of the group. You do your make-up just to make it look like you're not falling apart. I see through your mascara and eyeliner, and know that the shine in your eyes are from the tears you hold back.
You keep everyone's darkest secret, to the point where they consume you. But you would never tell. You would rather expose your own mistakes, than those of whom you love.
When you drink, you try to leave your mind, but there's no escaping yourself, so you black. I've seen your ugly side, and I'm sorry it scared me; there's no side of you, no matter how ugly, that could ever make me stop caring for you, because I too guard my ugly side with bulletproof walls.
Random kisses, because I love you and the only way to show it is through a kiss.
Thank you for allowing me to breakdown and cry in front of you, I don't really do that often. Thank you for allowing me to sleep over when my thoughts and insecurities were eating away the little happiness I had.
I know sometimes, it's (financially) tough, but you never let those worries interfere with the vibe, I don't know how you do that, because I know that I can't.
Sometimes, it builds up so much, that you explode, but even when that happens, there are no casualties, no one is hurt. You're able to freak-out without having others feel your pain; but I feel it. I feel it from experience, not because you put your baggage on me. You would never do that, you would rather fall and carry all your shit, than let others feel burdened.
You always lie to yourself, saying you're okay. You are so giving, never have I met someone that will give her last breath for someone else. You make giving seem so easy.
You are a giver. You always give, because you don't know who you will be if you don't give. It's hard for you to say no, and care for yourself, because that feels "selfish", and every drop of being in your body fights against it.
You are a happiness generator, but even you get depleted sometimes.
Don't let the hardships you've faced harden you.
You'll learn it on your own, and sadly sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize the toxic people around you, but you'll figure it out <3