I lost my mother when I was four years old to breast cancer. It did not really hit me when I first lost her what it would really mean for me. By the time my mother had passed away, my brother was grown up and almost ready to get married, which meant that it was only me and my father left in the house. At first, it wasn't strange because most of the time my grandmother took care of me, but as I got older, the giant hole that my mother's death left in my life started to grow.
For instance, it was hard when my schools held a Mother's Day tea or a Mother's Day luncheon, and all the other little girls always got so excited about coming with their mothers and wearing matching dresses and taking pictures. I was excited too, but not in the same way that those other girls could be. I got to take my aunt or my grandma to these events, and though it was fun, I and everyone else knew that my guest was not really my mother. It made me different. In class, sometimes the teacher would ask, "What does your mother do for a living?" and I would have to sit there and feel anxiety the entire time I was answering, "My mother passed away when I was little." It always put a damper on the mood in the classroom, or at least, it felt like it did. That's why, whenever I got older, if a teacher asked a general question about our mothers, I would keep my head down and pray that she would not call on me to answer. If she did, I just told them something about my aunt or my grandma, or I would make something up. It was hard.
As I entered my teenage years, things got even worse. When I was thirteen and in my first play, I looked out into the audience to see my father and I felt her absence. When all the other girls started to wear makeup in junior high, I felt her absence. Every time that I got ready for a school dance or a play and had to do my hair, or if I had to go shopping, I felt her absence. Senior year of high school was the hardest time because she was not there for my prom, my senior show, or my graduation. She was not there for my community college graduation, and more recently, she was not there for my university graduation. Now, I am working on getting my first book published, and I am engaged and planning a wedding. This is a period of my life when I feel like I need my mother the most, and she's not here.
Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for all of the wonderful, beautiful, intelligent women in my life who have stepped in and done their best to make sure that I feel loved. They have gone dress shopping with me, done my hair, and passed their years of wisdom on to me in the best way that they knew how. However, it is not the same. It was never the same, and it will never be the same. I feel her absence more and more every day as I grow up and reach major milestones that little girls' moms are supposed to be there for. I always wonder if my life would be any different if my mother had lived. Would I be married already? Would I have majored in something different in college? Would I still be living in Mississippi? Would I have had different friends or been involved in different activities? I am happy with my life, but I always wonder what it could have been.
To all the girls that are like me and have lost a mother, just know that you are not alone. Mother's Day can be hard, but we can get through this. Just embrace the women that are in your life and spread your love to all of them. Spread your love to all of the mothers out there. To the girls who have not lost their mothers, do not take advantage of her. Listen to her, take care of her, and love her. To all of the mothers, you deserve all of the love and affection you receive and even more. Have a wonderful Mother's Day.
