I recently watched the Netflix original film, “Dude,” which did a marvelous job of focusing many of my generation’s insecurities, frustrations, and struggles. However, one scene, in particular, caught my attention. This scene involved two of the main characters engaging in a not-so-sober conversation about their relationships with their fathers.

“Hey, do you think we’re really fucked up because of our fucked up relationships with our dads?”

“Uh, you don’t have a relationship with your dad”

“You know what I mean”

“Well, yeah, everyone’s dad fuck them up. I see my dad and I’m, like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck YOU. But then, you know, I still wanna see him and still want him to want to see me.”

“Well yeah, I never felt like I needed mine. I always have my mom, I have you guys.”

“Mmmmm, but either your dad fucks you up because he’s not there, or your dad fucks you up because he’s there and can never live up to that shit.”

This scene got me thinking about not only my own set of daddy issues, moreover how common it is for girls today to have daddy issues of some sort. The society we live in today makes light of daddy issues in music, movies, and other various mediums, without realizing how much these issues can affect women long-term. What people often don’t realize is how much women’s relationships with their fathers reflect how they view men, romantically or socially or professionally. These issues they face are very rarely addressed and are often ridiculed in the media.

To those who struggle with their relationship with their father, you all deserve to have your feelings spoken into existence. This is me attempting to empathize with you.

To the girls who have never met their father,

You must try to not let his absence define you. Whether we like it or not, there is some cosmic, divine reason for all the obstacles we are handed in life. You will never understand why he couldn’t be there, and you may even feel that he didn’t want to know you. Perhaps you feel that loving you was not important to him, but that could not be further from the truth. Don’t let his misfortunes and poor decisions reflect on to your inner-being. Because of the choices he made, he in some way was unfit to father you. His absence reflects HIS imperfections, not your own.

To the girls who lost their father waaay too soon,

Let me begin this by saying: I’m so sorry. There is no pain quite like losing a parent far too soon but do know that he is watching over you every step of the way, and I’m sure you make him proud every day. He would want you to be happy, holding your best memories with him close to your heart. He would want you to live your life knowing that he wishes he could be there for not just every big milestone, but the little ones too. He adores you, and adoration doesn’t just fade once someone’s spirit leaves the physical world we are living in. And if you choose to keep him there, he will remain in your heart forever.

To the girls whose father likes to pop in and out of their life, as they please,

Inconsistency is bullshit and for the weak of mind. Your father’s inability to be consistent is probably a reflection of the fact that he has no clue what the hell he is doing with his life. As unfortunate as it is, and as much as it sucks that ultimately he’s the one deciding when he wants to be a part of your life, you are probably better off without the projection of all his confusion and frustration on to you. Maybe his inconsistencies are a way for him to shield you from how flawed he feels that is. In the end, this is his loss. He doesn’t have to get the privilege of saying he had any part in raising you to become the beautiful, strong, and independent woman you are today.

To the girls whose father is physically there, but not necessarily emotionally,

Whether unintentional or not, emotional neglect or abuse stems from a lack of confidence in one way or another. Like bullying in a sense. There are absolutely no justifications for not being a good father, but this is may help you better understand why he isn’t the man you had hoped he would be. Maybe he’s so harsh towards you because subconsciously he fears that he isn’t whole himself and projecting his anger on to you is the only way that he can cope. The mean things he has said, the times he wouldn’t listen, or the times he made you cry, did not happen because he didn’t love you, but more so because part of him is broken. The truth is, it blows. Pop culture paints the ideal father as some sort of safe-haven for his children, however sometimes that just isn’t the case. Sometimes, they’re the person that scares you the most.

To the girls with the best dads in the world,

You’re the lucky ones in the end. A present, stable, and loving father is hard to come by nowadays. However, there is some truth to the fact that having a wonderful father could potentially set you up to have unrealistic expectations when it comes to guys our age. On the other hand, having a father that models what a man or romantic partner or father is capable of being may teach you to never settle for anything less. For you girls, it is important to remember that no one will ever amount to your dad. However, you can look seek out people romantically with similar qualities, and hope for the best in your relationships.

Unfortunately, you can’t hide from these problems. They’re here, they’re real, and they’re relevant every single day. Every dad’s weekend, every Father’s Day, every time you see a kid in the park playing with their dad, wishing you could have had a similar experience and knowing that in one way or another you were robbed of it.

Frankly, it isn’t fair — but neither is life.

I choose to believe that God gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, so try to believe that your daddy issues were not a matter of circumstance, rather divine intervention in which God handed you an obstacle and let you mold your own experience. To take the bad without the good, will only do you a disservice in the end.

Believe that if your father wasn’t there in some capacity, you are strong enough to live without him, and you probably have a bad-ass single mom to soften the blow. And you probably also have a solid group of friends who fit into the term “family” better than some of your own blood relatives.

Believe that if your father is around, and you begin to worry that you will never find a guy quite like him, that this experience has only forced you to have high expectations for the love you deserve.

With daddy issues, it is important to learn how to compartmentalize. Don’t compare every guy you ever date to your dad, for better or worse. Your boyfriend cannot give or do what your father is capable of, so you can’t look at them in the same light. It is important to note when your daddy issues are becoming a real-life issue, not just one in your head.

Think about how your relationship with your father has affected you; has it made you more reliant on men? Has it caused you to crave male attention? Or has it steered you clear of men as a whole? Once you introspect and determine how these issues have affected you, you’re better able to combat them, and not allow them to affect every interaction you have with the opposite sex. The only overlapping factor in the men you come to love and your father is that they are both men and nothing else.

Please try to remember that no matter what, you’re going to be okay. Sure, it’s hard- no one is denying that. But hopefully these experiences will mold you into the person you want to be, or moreover the parent you are destined to become. Don’t allow any of the sucky experiences in your life define who you are and rise above them. And if that doesn’t work, the reality is that you are not alone.

So many girls have their own set of daddy issues, and together you are more than capable of overcoming them and figuring out how to live the life you deserve.