It's okay, I know exactly how you are feeling too.
There is this sense that the world is going to come crashing down if everything doesn't go exactly how you planned it. I still to this very day struggle with this idea of just relaxing and letting everything fall into place itself.
I always feel this need to worry and freak out about every little thing that happens in my life because I am constantly in this state of worry.
When it's late at night and you're laying down, you stare at your bedroom walls in the pitch black and begin to panic. You just start to feel your entire life falling apart right before your very eyes. I know, I've been in that exact same place one too many times. Gripping onto the sheets and looking for some external force to come out and save you from something that you cannot escape. Moving my hands from the sheets and start gripping onto my scalp as the hot tears and rolling down my face one after another.
Feeling this lump in your chest moving up into your throat, almost as if it is closing up your airway. Racing thoughts that you cannot control, thinking the absolute worst is coming to hit you in the face and constantly wondering if that will be the end. It feels like the end. Arms going numb, chest filled with heavy rocks, stomach in constant knots, nervousness trickling down to your legs, this feeling of heaviness burdens your entire mind and body. This is something that can't be stopped when it begins. A full blown panic attack sets in.
I think the hardest thing is trying to explain why you feel this way to people who never really experience this. They'll always just tell you to sit back and just enjoy the ride, but when you're constantly beaten down and constantly worrying about every minor detail in your life, that is something that isn't possible. It is hard to connect with someone who doesn't get it, but I get it. I know what you're feeling and what you're going through and I am here to tell you that you are not alone. The second you feel that you have no where to turn is when it becomes a major problem.
I'm not here to tell you to stop worrying about everything that is going on because that would make me a hypocrite, but it is how we manage to deal with the racing thoughts. Once you learn to acknowledge the issue and how your constant worry is negatively impacting your life, that is only half the battle. It is how you choose to move forward.
Once you start making those strides to improve and better yourself, that is when you will see a more positive outlook on not only yourself, but your life in general.
