This one is for you: the girl who wants to go back and try again just one more time. That's the thing about going back, it's always just one more time, again and again.
I know, I know you love him. I know it hurts. I know it's not fair. I know it's not necessarily right. I know it's different. I know it's change. I know it's your worst nightmare BUT that doesn't mean you have to go back.
It's going to be something new, not having him apart of your everyday life. You'll have to ride down the same road he sang to you on. You'll have to listen to the same radio station that his number one preset was set on. You'll have to wear the shirt he loved most on you. You'll have to eat at the restaurant he took you for your birthday. You'll have to go to the same beach he took you to after prom. You'll have to sleep in the same bed he held you so tight in. You'll have to walk the same streets that he does. You'll have to do all the same things you do now, just without him.
Don't tell me you miss him and that just because your heart misses him, it justifies for going back to a unhappy, toxic relationship. There's nothing that justifies for that other than being too close minded to see that you deserve so much more, and to let go of the past for something better. You can miss someone and still know you're better off without them. Just think about all the times you cried yourself to sleep and he didn't care, the times you didn't get a text message or phone call for hours because he was too busy for you, all the times someone else called you and said he was with another girl, all the times you saw him putting you last, all the times another name popped up on his phone, all the times you had to loose yourself, and all the times you weren't genuinely happy.
Stop trying to make a relationship work that clearly isn't meant to work. You can't force someone to care about you. You can't force someone to be loyal to you. You can't force someone to be the person you need them to be. You can't force someone to love you as much as you love them. Sometimes the person you want the most is the person you're best without. Sometimes you just have to realize that some things are meant to happen, but not meant to be. Just like somethings are meant to come into your life, but they aren't meant to stay. Please don't lose yourself trying to fix something that's meant to stay broken. You can't get the relationship you need by a person who won't give it to you. Don't put your happiness on hold for someone who isn't holding on to you. I know you're going to ask why, but your future will also bring you understanding at it's own time. Some chapters have to end without any closure.
That's the thing about healing, it takes time, it takes effort, it takes strength we didn't know we had, and it takes so many different emotions. Healing is never linear. There will be days that you miss him so bad that you can feel his arms around you, or you can smell his cologne, or you can hear him say your name. Just let those days be those kind of days. Don't give into the image that's in your head of what it's supposed to be like. Remember the smell of his cologne as he walked away from you, or his voice when he was arguing with you or saying things he "didn't mean", or remember the way his hands felt when they were ice cold and touching another girl. Get the idea that you HAVE to be with him out of your head.
Don't try saying there's no one else in the world for you. You can be sixteen and going through your first heart break, or forty going through your second divorce; everyone has someone. You have to make the choice to see other people every single day. You have to let go to open up for another opportunity at what happiness really is. He's not the only knight in shining armor.
No, you don't need him either. You don't need anyone but especially not him. You may have it in your head that you need him, because you're so used to him now and because he's a comfortable spot in your life, but you were fine before him so you'll be fine after him. I promise you that.
I know sometimes people meet at the wrong time and that everyone deserves a second chance, but eventually you're only selling yourself short. He's going to take advantage of the fact that you always come back to try again. He'll only get worse and worse.
Maybe he did change and he cares now that you're gone, but they ALWAYS care when you're gone. Don't let the fake emotions get to you. If he suddenly cares now, then he could've cared THEN when he was loosing you.
Stop making excuses for him and trying to protect this idea of being with him. Let go and see what happens. It's going to hurt and be hard for a while, but once you realize how happy you can be alone, much less with someone else who really does love you, it'll get easier. You may always love him and you may always care about him, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. It just means that at ONE TIME it was worth loving, but NOW it's not. People change and emotions unravel, and that's okay.
I'm cheering you on from afar and I believe in you. Take your life back and forget about him.
Love always, a girl who has been there and done that.
PS: I have been in your shoes and once I finally let completely go, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. You can do it.