Ever since middle school, I have stressed excessively about dating and finding my life partner. I was constantly dating someone, interested in someone or searching dating sites. Even though I have never truly wanted children or anything like that, I have always desperately wanted an amazing life partner — and the monogamy associated with it.
When I finally found my life partner, it was because I stopped looking.
I firmly believe that I will always jinx myself and that I will always receive the opposite of anything I say I want. I had made a single pact with my current roommate. I vowed to take time for myself and to only take time for myself, for a while. That was the day before I met my soulmate.
It sounds so ridiculously cliché and generic, but it was all about being in the right place at the right time.
However, I am not here to tell that love story, but rather to tell what I learned in all of my failed love stories.
No one owes me anything, especially when I have internalized high expectations. What truly matters in a relationship is quality time and genuine appreciation, rather than elaborate dates, whether he pays for you or not, or random gifts. None of that matters if the connection is not there.
Should you still have expectations for your partner on holidays and your birthday? Sure. But day to day, I had to learn that my expectations would never be met because I never ask for expectations to be fulfilled. If you want it, speak up. But if you know it's unrealistic, it's OK to tone it down. Toning it down does not mean that you do not respect yourself.
There is a large part of your happiness that will not be fulfilled because you have a partner. When vowed to be single, I wanted to dive into therapy, to dive into self-care — anything that would allow me to work on myself and discover who I really am.
Although I joke about my boyfriend "ruining that," he has never held me back from getting help or doing things that make me feel good about myself. If you are in a relationship and your partner does not encourage you to be your best self, then they are probably not the one. Dually, if you feel like you cannot talk about those things and receive support from your partner, then maybe re-evaluate.
You will most likely not end up with someone who is your "type," so allow yourself to branch out. I really thought I would end up with a guy with a beard and tattoos, but my boyfriend is an Eagle scout incapable of growing a beard. Branching out is fun, and it allows you to explore what qualities you would or would not want in your future partner.
Most importantly, do not short yourself. If you have a feeling in your gut that this is not your true partner, or if a deal breaker happens, it is OK to leave. I used to complain about how unapologetic the dating world is now because it causes a lot of hurt, but take care of yourself first.
You cannot love completely and truly if you do not take care of yourself and your heart.
If you are a dedicated monogamist like me, or if you are interested in diving into the dating world, make sure you allow time for yourself. Make sure you don't short yourself when trying to find your life partner. Take care of yourself first, always.
