I’m pretty sure I’ve been anxious for my entire life. After 9/11, I lost an eyebrow and a big chunk of hair, and the doctor told my parents it was likely a result of too much stress. I was only four years old, but I lost hair stressing about planes crashing into buildings and destroying them.
A few years later, my dad and brother were messing with a beehive and my brother got stung a few times, and I cried more than he did. My childhood was filled with anxiety about things that shouldn’t have affected me in the way they did.
In 2007, my dad died when I was 10 years old. I remember saying to my mom in the car once, “I wish I could die so I could see dad again.” That must have really hurt her. At one point she sent my brothers and me to the school social worker, but I’m pretty sure we were the only ones who lost their father like that in our tiny elementary school.
I don’t feel like that little bit of counseling helped me very much. When I look back on that time, I realize that I was already extremely uncomfortable showing my emotions. I was focused on making my mom and little brothers happy always. It was easier for me to do that than to worry about myself.
Now as a college student, I am always anxious about something. Whether it’s the typical stuff like having papers and exams coming up or the weirder stuff like having to call and order pizza. I literally don’t remember the last time I felt completely normal.
I mean, I’ve had a few more random events like my dad’s death that caused my anxiety to go crazy, but I also freaked out in my car the other day when I couldn’t find anywhere to fill my tire before going home. I know I have a problem, but I don’t really know what to do about it.
Not only am I anxious, but that old habit of pushing my feelings away and worrying about other people instead stuck with me. I don’t know how to talk to people and tell them when I’m feeling extremely anxious. I know I have people in my life who care about me and want me to be happy – but I don’t know how to ask them for help when I need it.
It’s one of my biggest problems. I tell people all the time that it’s okay to ask for help and there are people who care about them and want them to be happy. I can’t seem to listen to myself though.
To my friends who keep asking how I am, even when I push you away and tell you I’m fine, I have to say thank you. I am so grateful to know that there are people who care about me – even if I don’t always show it.
