I’m feeling pretty undercut with the whole debacle regarding ScarletJohansson’s recent scandal in regards to her upcoming film, Ghost in the Shell. Scarlet Johansson is an actress who’s been up and down in my eyes: on the one hand Lost in Translation, on the other hand everything she did after that. The Ghost in the Shell film was already starting with a bullet wound to the knee, being a live-action adaptation of a Japanese anime series, which never go well.
For evidence go watch Dragonball: Evolution or Speed Racer. I’ll wait…
Finished watching? Hope you kept a waste bin near by to catch the vomit.I’m so tired of ripping these soulless Hollywood cash-ins apart, that any attempt I could make to do that here would be utterly boring and repetitive. Instead, here’s my rendition of a discussion between two Hollywood executives before they decide to produce crap films like this.
For convenience sake, we’ll call our film executives Jerry and Phil.
Jerry: Hello, Phil. Is it that time of the month?
Phil: Afraid so, Jerry. The company cocaine bucket has run dry and it’s time to crank out another film in order to raise funds to refill it.
Jerry: But I thought the success of Batman vs. Superman was enough to keep us going for a good year or so.
Phil: Afraid not, Jerry. Not even millions of dollars can handle Hollywood’s needless extravagance. But the negative reviews of Batman vs. Superman have caused some commotion among the high-ups. So now I’m here to supervise the creation of our next terrible film.
Jerry: Understood, Boss. (Turns on computer) I have an idea, let’s make an action movie!
Phil: That sounds like a good idea. Do you have anything in mind?
Jerry: I was on the Internet yesterday and saw this cool Japanese anime that made me feel happy.
Phil: I like where this is going.
Jerry: So I had the idea of adapting Ghost in the Shell into live-action, thus forcing themes, characters and tropes of the anime medium into live-action cinema.
Phil: That sounds good. (Pauses) Actually no, that sounds like a terrible idea. What’s the benefit of adapting an anime with a strong and loyal fanbase into a western live-action? Those who are fans of the anime will hate us for it and the new western audience probably won’t get it.
Jerry: Don’t worry, boss! (Jerry begins waving his hands) We’ll hire real-life actors and actresses to play the characters, allowing their acting to pull in new audiences and portray the characters faithfully for the old audiences.
Phil: Okay, who did you have in mind.
Jerry: Scarlett Johansson!
Phil: Wait, doesn’t this movie take place in Japan? Scarlett isn’t Japanese.
Jerry: I know, that’s why we’re going to use CGI to make Scarlett Johansson look more Japanese.
Phil: Oh, that’s all right then. (Pausing) Actually no, that’s called whitewashing and it’s spiritually akin to white actors putting on black-face back in the 1940s. It sounds like the worst idea ever.
Jerry: I know it’s the best idea ever!
Phil: Jerry, why is your head bandaged?
Jerry: And then, (Jerry begins banging his head against his desk) we could continue whitewashing until all the main characters are played by attractive white people.
Phil: I’m leaving now…
Jerry: Wait! We could just say that the reason for all the changes from the original formula is because we’re putting a new spin on it!
Phil: (Stopping at the door)…that might work, actually.
Jerry: Which is why I’ve already posted all of this information on the internet, so everybody can appreciate what great work we’re doing here!
Phil: Wait, what? You what?
Jerry: Told the Internet about what we’ve decided to do to the franchise!
Phil: Why?
Jerry: To appease the voices that live in my head.
Well, that’s all I have to say about this matter. Of course the executives producing this film get all the blame for it, once they learn how to distribute it.
