1. How do I get to my bikini body??? #fitnessgoals #bikinibod #ilovepizzabutionlyeatcelery

As a procrastinator, I don't really see the value in doing things until the absolute last possible second. Yes, it always feels so much better when I do it in advance, blah blah blah, I know. But, here I am, waiting until the last two weeks to decide to try and get in shape for spring break. Now, if I know anything about fitness, which I certainly do not, it's that you need to work out and eat well for like, a long ass time before you see results. And, as well as being a procrastinator, I'm also not that patient. Like, I ran four miles yesterday, why don't I have a six-pack? PLUS I ate a salad for lunch. I'm like, so healthy. Where's my thigh gap?

2. I must get the perfect bathing suit…

Buying a bathing suit is a grueling and difficult process. Only the strongest survive. First of all, you have to decide what your budget is going to be. Are you going to splurge on one bikini and then get the rest from Amazon? Are you going to buy a couple off of Asos and wear the suits you wore last year? Do you just ball out and drain your entire savings account on bathing suits???? And don't get me started on trying them on. Obviously, I've had to buy all of my suits online, because as we know, the Oaks Mall is not in tune with what is necessary. So then I order online, the suit comes in and it is not at all what it was online. Like, it looks like this bathing suit was made for American Girl dolls. Then I have to go through all the hassle of returning it and ordering another size, it's a nightmare. All for a bomb Instagram, so like, I guess it's worth it?

3. Next up, the tan.

Here's where things get tricky. See, it's about 40 degrees in Gainesville right now. So that is really ruining my whole "Tan Two Weeks Before Spring Break To Get A Base Tan" plan. So, the next best option is to self-tan. I actually wrote one of my first articles on self-tanning, because I'm really That Bitch. Anyways, normally I'm obsessed, but for spring break it gets complicated. You have to choose a certain type of sunscreen that isn't oil based because that would fuck up the spray tan. Ok, I found one that I used last year that worked pretty good.

So you begin spring break looking like a bronzed goddess. But once you are there, you don't wanna ruin the spray, so you try not to sweat, go in salt water, chlorine or anything else that will harm your airbrushed body. Like, you want to run off the 10 pina coladas you had the day before, but also, you have a SPRAY TAN. And after all that effort, you still get that white streak in between your boobs because holy shit it's hot in Florida and nothing can stop boob sweat.

4. I will be driving my car into the hair salon.

Alright, so we talked about the suits, the body, the skin, must not we forget about the nails, toes, and hair?? For me, my trusted hair, nails, and eyebrow queens reside at home in Tampa, so I have to wait it out until I'm home to get to my peak beauty. That means that by the time I actually get home, I'm looking ratchet AF. Like, shellac is on 3 of my 10 fingers, my toenail is broken from someone stomping on it at Fats, and my eyebrows are like Mia's in Princess Diaries before she has the makeover. And don't even get me started on my hair.

I can't remember the last time I got it cut and colored, so right now I just look like a troll with grown out highlights. Like, after I get all this shit done (God bless you if you try to do it in one day), I look fucking amazing. Like, if I met someone before and they saw me after all the magic was done, they wouldn't think it was the same person. My point is that although it sounds like a fun day at the spa, don't be mistaken. You have to strategize before you go: do I want yellow or hot pink nails? Which will go with my 56 bathing suits I bought for 4 days? How blonde do I want to go this time? Like, a warm honey or a cool honey? Do I get a trim? She says my hair is damaged but I'm trying to grow it out for graduation!!!! WTF IS COOL HONEY?!?!?!?! See, beauty is pain.