Many people find themselves in what seems like a relationship because they spend a certain amount of time with one person and eventually they say, "I love you." They say those three words that half or all of the global population seemingly fears when it matters and, all of a sudden, a feeling becomes an expectation. They see their significant other and they expect to be elated or for there to be a spark every time the other smiles or gives a compliment. There's a truth that is never thrown around because it seems harsh, but I'm not afraid to vocalize it. The truth is that a feeling as strong as love can't become an expectation because that's when it all falls apart. The spark is there, don't get me wrong, but the spark is in moments of intimacy, anger, severe loneliness, and incredible happiness.
I've sat in the corner of many coffee shops, walked through many parks, traveled to many different cities, and I've done the same thing everywhere I go: I observe so I can see how the delicate strings of life intertwine and snap. That's the thing about people, our most personal experiences are often subject to the testimony of others because we've reached a point in time in which nothing is private. We seem to know when our friends are not happy in a relationship or falling in love before the friend seem to notice. In fact, observation is how I got my first job.
One day, in the coffee shop that became my place of work, I noticed this girl sitting at a table in the corner and she looked incredibly distressed after a conversation with a guy outside. I decided to be brave, so I sat down with her and I asked her what happened. She went on to tell me about her connection with the guy outside and how their relationship was more complicated than most words could describe because it wasn't exactly a relationship. Well, eventually we became close friends and co-workers because she was the manager and we spent a large amount of our time together working out the definitions of relationship, love, feeling, etc. Long story short, I picked up on the idea that relationships can do two things to a person: they can be defined and make you feel pressured or they can be left open to interpretation and make you feel pressured.
That sounds cynical, but it's true. However, it's not exactly negative. When a relationship is defined, there's a safety in that, but some people feel nervous when it comes down to the commitment. When it's undefined, some people freak out because they can't explain why they're spending all this time with one person and it doesn't exactly mean commitment either. So, now we tread into the territory of fear of commitment and this is where I know all about that.
Every "relationship" I've opened myself up to has consisted of sharing personal details, moments, and ideas. In high school, it was easy because I knew I was leaving, but in college, I'm absolutely terrified. Every connection I make from here on out is either, "So do we break up or do we get married?", and that's a little too real. I've made the mistake of turning the feeling of love into an expectation of how I should feel, but what I've recently learned is that a good connection makes you feel everything. I have felt extreme fear, sadness, optimism, and anger and not known what to do with any of those feelings.
Well, for quite a while, I just assumed I couldn't commit to people. I was going on first dates and not picturing a second or a third, I was highlighting the friendly qualities in my dates, and I was not letting myself feel. I don't know if that's what all people do, but I just think it's easier to not feel certain emotions. However, I'm starting to see the error in that thought process.
The truth is I overanalyze, I feel emotions deeply, I try to plan life out, and I create too many expectations, but I'm learning how to let life happen. So, I'm asking you (and myself) to get your heart broken because it's not all that bad. Let yourself stumble in confusion because you want to love somebody, but they also infuriate you for the smallest reasons because that's normal. Go out and observe, see how people connect with each other and why they do it. Maybe you'll learn something about yourself and others that'll help you be better when your one and only comes along. While it helps to gain knowledge and information, remember to relax, let go, and allow yourself to experience life when it's meant to happen because it will, I can promise that.
There are a lot of things we as people don't say about love and affection, plus the movie industry lets us believe that every romantic notion is one for the books. Sometimes it's the little things, other times it's the grand gestures. What's important to remember is that you control how you feel so find your voice and learn how to love, not how to expect. Do yourself a favor and get your heart broken.
