Communication is the key to any successful relationship. This is a phrase we've all heard at least once or twice in our lifetime. The fact is, open and honest communication is critical to sustaining any long-term connection. We must be willing to be open about any issue that presents itself. We must be honest about how those issues affect us. Whether it's in a job, a familial relationship, or a romantic one, communication is a significant part of the equation.
One thing that comes to mind when hearing the word communication is community. As gay men, we've often felt the need to form unique ways to bond with our own community. There were cruising areas in the seventies, bathhouses in the eighties, and nightclubs in the nineties. If we're not in a predominantly gay area, the thought of walking up to someone and asking them out doesn't always make us feel so safe. We've long been aware that we could get punched in the face, or even worse.
In the past, it's been legal to use what has become known as the "gay panic defense." The justification of killing a gay person because you freaked out when they made a pass at you. This was an unfortunate part of the Matthew Shepard case. So one can imagine why we would feel safer going to gay bars and living in gay neighborhoods. And it doesn't just stop at the location. In the seventies, there were even codes in gay men's clothing and body language as to what they were into sexually.
That was during a time before Grindr, Tinder, and OkCupid. It was before we could open an app and check out all the available men in our area. Gay men had to be more creative. However, with the technological advances made since then, our community has moved right along with it. On the surface, this sounds like a good thing. It sounds like a progression. But what happens when red flags appear? What happens when it appears like we're taking social networking for granted? Has the dating app killed communication?
Communicating isn't so difficult when it's within the safety net of the app. It's when you want to step outside the app that problems arise. Earlier this year, I met a guy I had been talking to for about a year. It began on Tinder and we found each other again on OkCupid. We clicked instantly and flirted heavily. I figured the mall was a pretty good spot to meet for the first time. That way, if it's not going well, you've got a way out. I soon realized the way out was something I unfortunately needed. To call our date (if you even want to call it that) socially awkward would be an understatement. The entire time, he acted like he didn't want to be there. I felt like my mother trying to drag me at seven years old to JCPenney for back to school shopping.
Not to mention the fact that I was working my ass off the entire time. It was one of those times when my journalistic interviewing skills came in handy. I was throwing out questions like darts, one right after another. I was determined to make some kind of conversation happen, but he wouldn't bite. He would just answer my question, often without making eye contact. At one point, I was tired of throwing darts at the board and missing. So I waited for him to come up with something. After what felt like the longest ten seconds of my life, he asked me what movies I've seen recently. It would have been a fine question if we weren't in front of a movie theater.
The time had come. I knew there was nothing that could salvage this and I had to throw in the towel. I used the old, "it's getting late and I've got to get home" excuse. When I got home, I was less sad and more frustrated. Frustrated due to the total disconnect between our online interaction and our in-person interaction. Frustrated because he behaved like someone who was ordered to go on a date and begrudgingly went along with it. I didn't force him to show up and I didn't force him to stay. If he wasn't interested in me, why couldn't he just say so? Why didn't he take one look at me upon arriving and walk the other way?
It seemed like the problem was a failure of communication. He didn't seem to know how to communicate. Obviously, everybody has bad dates and it might seem like I'm overanalyzing. However, this isn't an isolated incident. It has happened with friendships as well. Sometimes the same thing happens but in reverse. I'll spend a great deal of time with someone in person and when I try to reach out to them afterward, I get nothing. Sometimes, I become the only person initiating any kind of interaction. I know that if I don't initiate a phone call, text, or date, it won't happen.
When I seek advice on this subject, I'm met with people who can relate. However, I'm always struck by their nonchalant attitude. It's almost as if they're saying that because so many people do this, we should just accept it. Well, I don't want to accept it. I don't want to accept that most people have bad communication skills. I think we should always strive to be better versions of ourselves. It appears that in our desire to make connecting easier, we've actually become more disconnected than ever.
Since I'm frustrated with this issue, other people must be as well. It seems like people have lost sight of the very key part of the relationship equation. Being open and honest about our frustration is crucial. We must not settle for a world full of people who don't know how to talk to each other. We can't passively accept those we care about ignoring us. Now I'm not saying that we should force those people to give us the time of day. That would be impossible. What I am saying, is we should have more self-respect than to beg people to be in our lives. We should find those who share our frustration and values.
It's like they say, family isn't always what you're born into. Sometimes, it's what you create around you. That principle has been at the core of the gay community from the very beginning. Maybe it's time to rethink our future, regroup our community, and reinvent the next unique way to bond with it.
