So here's the thing, sometimes you're working hard on your dreams only to find yourself failing. Then you spend a whole year working to become a better person so you can follow said dreams, and then you find you are still nowhere near where you need to be, and you end up failing. Again.

You my friend are a garbage person. A little piggy. A creature who while struggling to get up off the floor, still eats slop out of the trough.

Woah, ok, Borderline Nicki, quit with that black and white thinking! While you may not have come up winner, winner, chicken dinner this time, you certainly aren't a garbage person. Progress is still progress even if it's more of a shuffle than a sprint. At the very least you are a well fed, organic, self actualized piggy, instead of one of the cramped quartered, factory-raised piggies whose flesh you cannibalize at the occasional brunch. Also brunch! Everyone knows that brunch food makes TERRIFIC face masks (does everybody know that?) So save those leftovers and scrape yourself off a good home spa day! Make a BABE out of yourself! Make yourself SOME PIG! Have your rat friend Templeton run all around the fair gathering foodstuffs for your best face!

My personal fave is a soothing oatmeal mask. All you need is 1/2 cup hot water, 1/3 cup oatmeal, 2 Tablespoons plain yogurt 2 tablespoons honey, and 1 egg white. Combine the hot water and the oatmeal and let sit for a couple of minute, letting the oatmeal get all loosey-goosey (or should I say loosey-Lurvy,) then mix in the rest of the ingredients together. Slap the mixture on your face, and let it sit for 10 -15 minutes before rinsing, and you've effectively self face-masked yourself with shit you can eat! But don't! It was just on your face, and that's disgusting.

Well, anyways, James Cromwell is here to take me to the slaughter! At least I can say I went out with silky smooth skin, and, hey, who knows, maybe that will be my ticket to a pardon! That's how it usually works out for cute ass pigs right? "LA LA LA!"