You roll over in the morning and swat at your alarm clock. "Jeez," you think," why did I think I needed a whole hour to get ready? All I have to do is change clothes and swipe on some deodorant."
Think again. That alarm is not only going off at full-volume, but it is blaring its sirens twenty minutes past its set time. Realizing this, you flail out of bed and limp to the bathroom. You grope around on the cluttered kitchen sink, open tubes and tubs of various creams and lotions sitting scattering everywhere as you slide your hands around in search of your toothbrush.
There he is! Now for the--
Somehow, the toothpaste is the only empty tube on the entire counter. You smack yourself on the forehead, pop a piece of mint gum, and slather on a layer of makeup as if you were a veteran member of the Indy 500.
Getting dress shouldn't be a hassle, right? Wrong. When was the last time you did laundry? Maybe two weeks ago? Three? When did I move out again? The clock is ticking against you, so you throw on the nearest outfit you can grab and walk through a light mist of Febreeze on your way to the kitchen. You swipe a granola bar and start the coffee machine....
...without placing a cup under it. Before you know it, there's a waterfall of steaming coffee edging its way onto the countertop, down the white cabinets, and into a sad puddle on the floor. At least the coffee is cold by the time your sock-feet find the edge of the puddle.
Face it, your week is falling apart at the seams and it's only Monday. To make matters worse, it's not even lunchtime yet. You haven't even left the house yet.
Turn that frown upside down, my friend! If there's one thing that many a morning such as this one have taught me it's that there's nothing a cute pun cannot fix and you're in luck because I happen to have twenty of them close at hand.
Nobody has time for the three blind mice anymore! Everybody is too concerned about finding a blind date around the next corner! Don't forget to check your teeth, you never know what kind of sticky food bits might get lost in there.
I don't mean to come off shellfish, but I want you all to myself.
Does this mean that certain vegetables practice....chew-jitsu?
Oh no, a broken leg! Water you going to dew?
What an en-lightning realization! It has simply taken my brain by storm!
Something tells me there isn't much legume in that space, but I guess it's worth it to peel closer to his mom. He wouldn't want to turn her away, that would be root.
"Spudsy O'Brien here, coming at you live with all of the tot news of the hour, straight from the fryer."
Of course I approve, don't be sealy!
Come back here with that! I command you!
If you're looking to bring out a good case of brotherly birds, a nice Stephen King movie will do the trick to get those goose bumps popping!
Icy what you're trying to say, but I think you need to chill before everyone freezes you out.
I loaf all of my pets, except when get each other all rye-led up. They're all usually pretty swheat, though.
Thanks to Adele, the next line ottermattically pops in your mind. Go ahead and sing the rest, there's no otter way to get it out of your head now.
There's no feta way to confess your faith than to simply brie-lieve!
By shear luck, I am off of work! Wool you fleece remind me to grab my tennis shoes?
Poll yourself together and go vote, for the love of it all.
Omelette you stay right where you are, but I butter get moving. If I'm late for work again I'm toast!
They said the confection was purely professional, but everyone knew that there were a little too mallow around each other.
I'm so grapeful for everything you do!
I'm innocent, I tell you! I simply walnut stand for this!
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