All my life I have been told of how much potential I have. I was the salutatorian of my graduating class and never had a bad subject. Now that I am in college, I changed from a "great" major (Actuarial Science) to Public Relations, some may consider me wasting my potential. I have to ask though, how can I be wasting potential if my "potential" does not bring me any enjoyment?

In my nineteen years of life, a large defining experience for me has been my struggle with mental health. I showed signs of an anxiety disorder from a very young age, and by junior high, I was an insomniac and both very depressed and very suicidal. I coped through self-harm, overdosing on household pain meds, and other methods of which I am less than proud. My junior year of high school I was finally diagnosed with moderate to severe clinical depression and a clinical generalized anxiety disorder. Through therapy and medication, I have achieved some semblance of normalcy, but I will spend my whole life on medication and periodically visiting psychologists and psychiatrists. My life perspective tends to be much different than my peers because of this and other factors from my upbringing. From the age of twelve, I lost my fear of death. One looks at life very differently when it's ending no longer instills fear.

However, I refuse to allow this experience to hinder me or do anything less than push me forward. Carrie Fisher was a badass woman who lived her life to full potential and was an inspiration to everyone, and she too had a history of mental health issues and related addictions. I do not think she went into her life thinking about if she would reach her potential as an actress; I think she did reach her full potential though. Potential, in my opinion, is not something we get to choose or control.

Potential takes us by surprise; it grabs our hand and whispers "run!" It is our job to follow and let our lives change- or to refuse and let everything stay eerily the same. The biggest hindrance to living potential, especially full potential, is fear. Sometimes it is fear of change, and other times it is fear of losing everything and maybe not getting all we hope to out of the path of uncertainty. This is especially true for those of us who are not as well off economically. Coming from a family where there has always been an underlying struggle to make ends meet, it is much harder for me to accept a change in direction that involves much less certain money. However, I think this is important for overall happiness, which is, in my humble opinion, tied closely to potential.

A life of full potential brings joy, not only to us but to those around us, and contributes in some positive way to society. We do not all have to be Tony Stark-level philanthropists in order to positively contribute to society. One can be a parent who not only does a great job raising his or her own children, but provides a safe and compassionate place for other children who have befriended their children. This is, in fact, a productive contribution to society; raising the next generation with compassion is a highly underrated role.

I know I am not living my life to my fullest potential at the moment, but I am working on finding what makes me happy and setting myself up for success when the opportunity arises to run with it. I would love to realize where my potential actually lies, but I recognize that I may not understand this right now. We are never going to know everything that is going to happen in our lives, but we have to make sure we have our running shoes on hand when the time comes.