The 7 F*ckboys As Told By Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs
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The 7 F*ckboys As Told By Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

Behind every fuckboy is another fuckboy, is another fuckboy.

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The 7 F*ckboys As Told By Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs
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People often ask me why I am the way I am. They can't imagine that every guy I've ever met has really been a f*ckboy. They don't believe that every man I've ever given time to was a bad guy. There are "nice guys" out there; why don't I date one of them?

Let me set the record straight. Behind every f*ckboy, is another f*ckboy, and another f*ckboy. And behind him is another one, and then another one after that. Why don't I date him? He can get in line behind every other one before him, because I guarantee he ain't sh*t. I'm starting to think Snow White had the hang of life; keep your prince close, and your fuckboys closer. You only know what's up their sleeves when you learn to live with them.

Why am I the way I am? Because the lesson I have been taught, love, by every man I have ever met, is that it comes down to one simple thing: What can he take from you? You can dress it up however you'd like. In sugar, in spice, in everything, (anything,) or nothing nice. I have met most of them, and I will probably fail to mention some others, but here are the f*ckboys and the takers I know.

1. The Ruthless (The Rapist)

He might not look like much. In fact, he might look downright delightful, but he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. He. Takes. Everything.

Your peace, your dignity, your safety, and your soul. He stains you, he scars you, and he snuffs out the light inside of you. He haunts you, he lingers, and you fight like hell not to let him define you. And he will dismiss you, your worth, and your feelings faster than you can blink.

2. The "Sweet" Talker

He'll say anything and everything to get what he wants.

He'll show up at your doorstep at two AM to tell you he has feelings for you, that you're going to sleep with him, and give him a chance to be the man you deserve. He'll blow up your phone and call you pet names, and make you think that he genuinely cares. He'll say just enough to twist you up inside, to make you blush, and to make you believe you're worth more than the man before him made you feel. And then when he gets what he wants, you'll be just another girl who "tries too hard" that he "never really cared about."

3. The "Nice Guy"

The "unicorn," ladies and gentleman. The "ultimate man:" he says sweet things, plays with your hair, and respects you for all of the hard work you put into your life.

The problem? They're never someone you're actually attracted to. They might be passably attractive, or even good looking, and genuinely want what's best for you, but that doesn't make up for chemistry. They might offer to give you the entire universe, and you will turn it down, because you cannot build a life with someone just because they're nice to you. I repeat: You cannot build a life with someone just because they're nice to you. I call bullshit on anyone else who argues differently, frankly.

And then, here's the kicker with this one: When you try to look out for them and be a decent human being by acknowledging that even though they're "nice," they're not "the one" for you? They become the fuckboy that truly were underneath it all anyways. The second they realize you won't sleep with them or invest in them they revert back to whichever one of these types fit best. Then you're just another stuck up b*tch, wh*re, or two-faced slut that they "never really wanted all along and just played." Why don't you tell me something I don't know? Borrr-ing.

4. The Bitch, The Coward, and the Pussy

I never understand why bitch and pussy became synonymous with cowardice. And then it hit me; because a man decided so.

The bitch, the coward, and the pussy is really one concept I've differentiated into three. He's a "bitch" because he's unpleasant to face when you realize that he earned your heart by doing the bare minimum, in part because you gave it away entirely too willingly, and you genuinely believed he could be the one underneath the wall he's built. He's a coward because he's afraid to face his own truths. And he's a pussy because he's too weak to act on real feelings; he'd rather pretend they don't exist or that they're all in your head, and when challenged to face what you find to be true, he will choke on his words and run.

5. The "Nice Asshole" (The Phony)

This is the one who claims he's a nice guy until someone does him wrong. He's the one who says he's only an asshole because he speaks his mind, tells the truth, and people don't like it. This is a lie. He's just another fuckboy. He will be pretty, he will talk smoothly, and he will steal your heart effortlessly. He talks a great game, hell, the sex is probably great too. But make no mistake. He isn't actually looking for a woman to build his life with. He's looking for another ruse to get into your pants that you won't see coming; instead of flat out admitting it (and succeeding) like an actual asshole does, he pretends to care first, so that it hurts twice as badly when you give him a real shot. And then you're left feeling like a dope when he disappears, trying to figure out what the f*ck just happened. When given a chance to correct this perception, he will ignore you completely, as if your very existence is inconsequential, and irrelevant to him.

6. The Actual Asshole

He will not claim to be anything else. He may not outwardly say that he's an a**hole, but he'll sure as sh*t show it. He'll ask you to "hang," he'll ask you for sexual favors, and he'll get pissy if you don't comply. He'll get in your pants simply because you both know he's going to, because that's the only thing he's here for. Maybe you'll be dumb enough to think you're different; maybe it won't matter if you do or not. He's still going to be the one you can't stand afterwards because you wonder why you let yourself stoop so low.

7. The "Noncommital"

He's the most ambiguous of all. The fact that he's got one foot in and one foot out of fucking with you is the only indication you have that he's actually fucking with you. The very thought of commitment is enough to make him sneeze.

He disappears for weeks, sometimes months at a time. You'll start to think he's ancient history, and then he pops up again when you least expect it. He never follows through with plans, but he talks a great game, and then he's gone again. He's in and out of your life like a revolving door and you keep a spot open for him in your mind or your heart because you have no idea how to stop the door or close it. It's an endless cycle of fuckery in which you're left trying to figure out what's what.

8. "The One" (The Prince)

I don't have much to say about this one because I'm not sure if I've met him. Some of us are lucky. Sometimes we meet someone who doesn't fall into a single one of these categories. They are simply themselves, they fit perfectly with us, and it is wonderful. It is a balance of giving and taking that is genuine, caring, and selfless. It is a once in a lifetime experience to find someone who doesn't hurt you just by being themselves. I'm told it's worth the wait.

The only way I was getting through this bitter apple without choking on my cynicism is with Disney. Hope that helps make it a little more tolerable. Who have I missed? Well, I'll leave that up to you.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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