The 7 F*ckboys As Told By Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs
Start writing a post

The 7 F*ckboys As Told By Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

Behind every fuckboy is another fuckboy, is another fuckboy.

The 7 F*ckboys As Told By Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

People often ask me why I am the way I am. They can't imagine that every guy I've ever met has really been a f*ckboy. They don't believe that every man I've ever given time to was a bad guy. There are "nice guys" out there; why don't I date one of them?

Let me set the record straight. Behind every f*ckboy, is another f*ckboy, and another f*ckboy. And behind him is another one, and then another one after that. Why don't I date him? He can get in line behind every other one before him, because I guarantee he ain't sh*t. I'm starting to think Snow White had the hang of life; keep your prince close, and your fuckboys closer. You only know what's up their sleeves when you learn to live with them.

Why am I the way I am? Because the lesson I have been taught, love, by every man I have ever met, is that it comes down to one simple thing: What can he take from you? You can dress it up however you'd like. In sugar, in spice, in everything, (anything,) or nothing nice. I have met most of them, and I will probably fail to mention some others, but here are the f*ckboys and the takers I know.

1. The Ruthless (The Rapist)

He might not look like much. In fact, he might look downright delightful, but he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. He. Takes. Everything.

Your peace, your dignity, your safety, and your soul. He stains you, he scars you, and he snuffs out the light inside of you. He haunts you, he lingers, and you fight like hell not to let him define you. And he will dismiss you, your worth, and your feelings faster than you can blink.

2. The "Sweet" Talker

He'll say anything and everything to get what he wants.

He'll show up at your doorstep at two AM to tell you he has feelings for you, that you're going to sleep with him, and give him a chance to be the man you deserve. He'll blow up your phone and call you pet names, and make you think that he genuinely cares. He'll say just enough to twist you up inside, to make you blush, and to make you believe you're worth more than the man before him made you feel. And then when he gets what he wants, you'll be just another girl who "tries too hard" that he "never really cared about."

3. The "Nice Guy"

The "unicorn," ladies and gentleman. The "ultimate man:" he says sweet things, plays with your hair, and respects you for all of the hard work you put into your life.

The problem? They're never someone you're actually attracted to. They might be passably attractive, or even good looking, and genuinely want what's best for you, but that doesn't make up for chemistry. They might offer to give you the entire universe, and you will turn it down, because you cannot build a life with someone just because they're nice to you. I repeat: You cannot build a life with someone just because they're nice to you. I call bullshit on anyone else who argues differently, frankly.

And then, here's the kicker with this one: When you try to look out for them and be a decent human being by acknowledging that even though they're "nice," they're not "the one" for you? They become the fuckboy that truly were underneath it all anyways. The second they realize you won't sleep with them or invest in them they revert back to whichever one of these types fit best. Then you're just another stuck up b*tch, wh*re, or two-faced slut that they "never really wanted all along and just played." Why don't you tell me something I don't know? Borrr-ing.

4. The Bitch, The Coward, and the Pussy

I never understand why bitch and pussy became synonymous with cowardice. And then it hit me; because a man decided so.

The bitch, the coward, and the pussy is really one concept I've differentiated into three. He's a "bitch" because he's unpleasant to face when you realize that he earned your heart by doing the bare minimum, in part because you gave it away entirely too willingly, and you genuinely believed he could be the one underneath the wall he's built. He's a coward because he's afraid to face his own truths. And he's a pussy because he's too weak to act on real feelings; he'd rather pretend they don't exist or that they're all in your head, and when challenged to face what you find to be true, he will choke on his words and run.

5. The "Nice Asshole" (The Phony)

This is the one who claims he's a nice guy until someone does him wrong. He's the one who says he's only an asshole because he speaks his mind, tells the truth, and people don't like it. This is a lie. He's just another fuckboy. He will be pretty, he will talk smoothly, and he will steal your heart effortlessly. He talks a great game, hell, the sex is probably great too. But make no mistake. He isn't actually looking for a woman to build his life with. He's looking for another ruse to get into your pants that you won't see coming; instead of flat out admitting it (and succeeding) like an actual asshole does, he pretends to care first, so that it hurts twice as badly when you give him a real shot. And then you're left feeling like a dope when he disappears, trying to figure out what the f*ck just happened. When given a chance to correct this perception, he will ignore you completely, as if your very existence is inconsequential, and irrelevant to him.

6. The Actual Asshole

He will not claim to be anything else. He may not outwardly say that he's an a**hole, but he'll sure as sh*t show it. He'll ask you to "hang," he'll ask you for sexual favors, and he'll get pissy if you don't comply. He'll get in your pants simply because you both know he's going to, because that's the only thing he's here for. Maybe you'll be dumb enough to think you're different; maybe it won't matter if you do or not. He's still going to be the one you can't stand afterwards because you wonder why you let yourself stoop so low.

7. The "Noncommital"

He's the most ambiguous of all. The fact that he's got one foot in and one foot out of fucking with you is the only indication you have that he's actually fucking with you. The very thought of commitment is enough to make him sneeze.

He disappears for weeks, sometimes months at a time. You'll start to think he's ancient history, and then he pops up again when you least expect it. He never follows through with plans, but he talks a great game, and then he's gone again. He's in and out of your life like a revolving door and you keep a spot open for him in your mind or your heart because you have no idea how to stop the door or close it. It's an endless cycle of fuckery in which you're left trying to figure out what's what.

8. "The One" (The Prince)

I don't have much to say about this one because I'm not sure if I've met him. Some of us are lucky. Sometimes we meet someone who doesn't fall into a single one of these categories. They are simply themselves, they fit perfectly with us, and it is wonderful. It is a balance of giving and taking that is genuine, caring, and selfless. It is a once in a lifetime experience to find someone who doesn't hurt you just by being themselves. I'm told it's worth the wait.

The only way I was getting through this bitter apple without choking on my cynicism is with Disney. Hope that helps make it a little more tolerable. Who have I missed? Well, I'll leave that up to you.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Today is Bisexuality Day and I'm more than ready to give all the bisexuals some love by breaking the stigma. I see you, I hear you, I appreciate you.

Bisexuliaty is a sexual orientation where people can form attraction and/or relationships to more than one gender. More than half of the LGBTQ+ community identifies as bisexual but it comes with a ton of bias, discrimination, and violence. And, honestly, bisexuals tend to be forgotten becuase bi-erasure wants to hold onto biphobia to question the existence and legitimacy of bisexuality.

Keep Reading... Show less

5 Couples Get Real About Canceling Their Dream Weddings Because Of COVID-19

"It definitely reinforced that as long as we have each other, we can make it through anything together."

Courtesy of Georgia & Mike Bernstein

There isn't one person the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic hasn't affected. While COVID-19 is risking everyone's physical health, it's also destroying the world's economy and personal finances, weakening mental health, wreaking havoc on education... and, well, the list goes on.

Among the many things being impacted is love.

Keep Reading... Show less

A Couple's Wedding In Peru Was Postponed By COVID-19, But A Lifetime Of Love Is Worth The Wait

"We'd prefer to wait and have the wedding that both of us have always thought of."

Courtesy of Rory Semple

During their first semester at Instituto de Empresa (IE Business School) while working on graduate degrees in Madrid, Spain, soon-to-be-newlyweds Rory and Gigi met when they were placed in a workgroup together — and the rest was history. Now, four years after their relationship began, the couple's fall plans to get married in Perú, where Gigi is originally from, have since been postponed by COVID-19.

Though things haven't always been easy for the pair because of immigration, starting a skincare business together, and now, canceling their dream wedding because of the pandemic, they have always worked together as a team (maybe we should all be in a workgroup with our future spouses).

Keep Reading... Show less

A Bumble Couple's Wedding Was Canceled By COVID-19, But Nothing Could Come Between This Perfect Match

"The whole purpose of all the stress and time and tears was that we love each other and that was all that mattered."

Courtesy of Shanna and Kaihla

Shortly after Kaihla's sister made her a dating profile on Bumble (despite her fear of being catfished), she matched with Shanna, and their chemistry was quickly undeniable. So much so that only a month and a half into dating, Shanna told her best friend "I think I'm going to marry her," and eventually, the nonprofit worker and elementary PE teacher duo proved this to be true.

In the fourth episode of a new docuseries called "Pandemic Weddings" by SoulPancake, the couple opens up about how they met, the difficulties of canceling a non-refundable wedding of their dreams (that took a year and a half to plan), as well as the pain of having family members who didn't support their marriage use the pandemic as a convenient excuse not to come.

Keep Reading... Show less
Bobbie Hall

This fall was my boyfriend and I's two-year anniversary! In the past for special occasions, we've typically gone out for a movie and dinner or just did something fun in general. However, in the year of COVID, we didn't really feel safe doing something like that.

Instead, we wanted to try something new that kept us significantly more socially distanced. Luckily, I found a TikTok trend a few months ago that gave me the perfect idea! The Target TikTok trend blew up all over for couples and friends alike. It seemed like a fun activity for us but also a good way to get each other gifts that we might not have thought about.

Keep Reading... Show less

If there's one thing everyone's talking about right now, it's voting — in real life, on social media, and yes, even on dating apps.

And rightfully so! Because is there really anything sexier than someone who cares about using their voice to be the change they want to see? In my opinion, no... not much, honestly.

Keep Reading... Show less
Tai Adaya

Any medium- to dark-skinned woman knows how difficult it can be to find the right SPF. Most mass-market SPF products are catered to lighter skin tones, and the potent UV-blocking titanium dioxide and zinc oxide have a way of leaving an unflattering white or grey cast on the skin.

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Fall Fashion Trends Every Stylish Closet Needs This 2020 — Here Are Options For EVERY Budget

Whether you're on a budget or willing to splurge, you can attain the perfect fall wardrobe with these pieces!


Even if the only time you're leaving the house is to go to the grocery store, I'm a firm believer in getting dressed up to make yourself feel better. With these trends, your Insta feed (and followers) will be thanking you.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Florida Residents, Here Is Your Step-By-Step Guide For Registering To Vote

Every state is different, so get familiar with your county's regulations early!


The 2020 presidential election is coming up fast and it's important now more than ever to know the resources available to voters. With COVID-19, this election looks a bit different this year — mail will be slower, and polls will have longer lines and more health and safety regulations. Because of this, knowing where to register if you haven't already, checking your registration status, and requesting a vote-by-mail ballot is crucial information to be aware of.

Each state has different links and different websites, so this information primarily pertains to Florida residents.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments