From The Heart of A Control Freak
Lifestyle

From The Heart of A Control Freak

Trading control for freedom...

24

If you were to look up the word “control” in a dictionary, you would find a number of different ways to describe this one word.

Here are a few:

As a noun…..

“the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.”

“the restriction of an activity, tendency, or phenomenon.”

“the power to restrain something, especially one's own emotions or actions.”

“a means of limiting or regulating something.”

“a group or individual used as a standard of comparison for checking the results of a survey or experiment.”

As a verb...

“Maintain influence or authority over.”

“remain calm and reasonable despite provocation.”

Wow. Notice the words that are used to help describe this word…”restriction”...“limiting”....“maintain”....

When I think of control, I have a mixture of emotions. I certainly feel this need to maintain something...I feel this tension and desperation to restrict things around me. To make things that seem big, small so that I can keep them in my pocket where they’ll be safe...and under control.

It’s too much sometimes, ya know? It’s this constant power struggle between myself and...what? Who do I think I’m fighting exactly?

I think deep down those of us who struggle with having control, actually suffer from a desire for safety. Complete, 100%, beautiful, safety.

It actually makes me tear up to think about it. Sometimes I think i am so close to this safety, and all I need to do in order to achieve it is reach a little further. I run around frantically, completing all of my tasks as if I’m not even breaking a sweat, so that I can control the way people perceive. I drink just one more cup of coffee so that no one will notice my lack of energy. Just a tiny bit more makeup so that nobody will notice the bags under my eyes.

Safe.

Yet the safety I feel after I make it through a day, only lasts so long, because there is always tomorrow...and tomorrow….and tomorrow….

And wow. Control has control over me. It beats me down, and makes me worry. It tells me lies of, “just push a little more, Christy and you’ll be fine.” It feeds me instructions that only lead to more lies.

When I read these definitions of this word, I gain perspective. I realize that by seeking control, I’m missing out on something. If I stopped “limiting” or “regulating” something, what would be on the other side of that?

I honestly don’t know if I know...I don’t think I have given up control long enough.

I’ve been thinking lately, about how much I need to breathe. I just need to stop and take a breath. See, I know very well the feeling of losing control.

My heart starts racing, my mind goes to deeply irrational places, my palms start sweating, and I can’t get things to stop spinning round and round.

I felt this very thing this past week. I felt like I was watching something fall apart and I didn’t have enough arms to reach out and grab the falling pieces.

Right as I was trying to get a grip of myself, I decided that I just wanted to listen to music. Realizing that I just bought a brand new pair of headphones, I grabbed some scissors and tried to free the unopened pack.

Side note: Who the heck decided to make headphone packages a jail sell!?

I started going at this poor package hard as I tried to open it up. My suite mates were watching me with this look like I was a crazy person and I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I felt myself growing angry and frustrated and heated. My eyes began to burn as I fought back stupid, frustrating tears.

Silly, isn’t it?

As I finally released the trapped pair of headphones, I thought to myself, “well at least I have this under control.”

That’s when it hit me. I know this feeling too well. I am much too friendly with this feeling of constantly fighting and striving and pushing. And it leads me to what...feeling relieved that at least I can open a pack of brand new ear buds?

I realized that I know this feeling much too well, and I am missing something much more valuable…

Freedom.

Do I know true freedom? Could I release this bitter desire within me to take control for something more sweet?

I was very frustrated that night.

I went to my room and I doodled words. Words are beautiful aren’t they? And they reveal so much truth to my aching, thirsty, heart.

This is what the Lord gave to me that night…

Psalm 91:1, “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

I chase after control all the live long day, because I am desperate to feel safe.

I listen to the lies, because what they offer is temporary shelter.

And yet, my God offers me a permanent shadow...and not just any shadow. The shadow of the “Almighty.” And all I must do to receive this safety, is to dwell and be present with my Father.

Rest.

That sounds so beautiful.

Freedom.

The most peaceful music…

I prayed one of the most honest prayers of my heart that night. It was a prayer that was not concerned with bringing my best self to my Father. It wasn't filled with the makeup, and the coffee, and the smiles. It was authentic and breathless, and full of tears, and honesty. I think that night, I may have given up, at the very least, a tiniest bit of control. Baby steps. I think I might just be on my way to freedom...

Give up control.

Choose freedom.

Choose a deeper relationship with a Father who will offer you more safety and peace that control could never give you.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Taylar Banks

May 25, 2020: the day that will forever be remembered as the day George Floyd lost his life at the hands of cops.

The day that systematic racism again reared its head at full force in 2020.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

These 17 Black-Owned Businesses Ship Baked Goods, Rosé, And Even Fried Chicken Nationwide

Eat your way through this country's greatest food — from your couch.

Call it the easily bored Gemini in me, but I'm constantly looking for new food to try. Usually, travel quenches my taste for new and exciting cuisines, but given the fact that international travel is not always a possibility, I've begun exploring alternatives.

In the interest of wanting to support the Black community and Black-owned businesses, and also wanting to try some of the country's greatest food without having to get off my couch, I started off (pessimistically) doing research, only to find that the options were vast.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

24 Beauty And Style Brands Donating To The Fight To End Police Brutality Against Black People

From small, boutique brands to legacy fashion brands.

The worlds of beauty and fashion often collide, whether for good or bad. In both, underrepresentation has always been, and remains to be, a major unresolved issue. After the recent killing of George Floyd, many people are rightfully enraged, compounded by the fact his death in police custody wasn't an isolated incident.

Police brutality against Black people is not new, and isn't going away till we start dedicating resources to fighting it. Many of us, as individuals, have only begun in the last week scratching the surface of what it means to educate ourselves on race, historical race relations, and how to be an ally to the Black community.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Feel A Lil' Better: Because You Can Still Connect While Disconnecting From Social Media

Your weekly wellness boost from Odyssey.

No matter how good (or bad) you'd describe your health, one thing is for sure: a little boost is ALWAYS a good idea. Whether that's reading a new, motivating book, or listening to a song that speaks to your soul, there are plenty of resources to help your health thrive on any given day.

I don't know if you've heard, but there's a lot going on right now, particularly in relation to George Floyd's death, Black Lives Matter, and public protest of racial injustice in the United States. While we can all agree that this deserves conversations, change, and actionable good, social media arguments with Great Aunt Linda are not where social change begins and ends. Spending too much time scrolling through your phone has never been healthy, but now it's even more addicting — what does that one person from my hometown say about this? How can I further education within discussions? Am I posting enough?

Keep Reading... Show less

I don't know about you, but reading is at the top of my to-do list this summer... especially with all the social distancing I'll still be doing. If, like me, you're hoping to pick up a romantic page-turner (or a couple dozen), here are 23 romance novels by Black authors you'll absolutely LOVE reading.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

22 Black-Owned Etsy Shops With The Perfect Gifts For Everyone In Your Life — Including You

Treat yourself and your loved ones while supporting Black creatives and artisans.

R-KI-TEKT, Pontie Wax, Lovely Earthlings, and blade + bloom on Etsy

The world is taking action against the injustices and under-representation plaguing Black lives, and one small but impactful thing you can do to actively make a difference is support Black-owned businesses.

Etsy is likely one of your go-to sites for gift-buying, but have you ever paid attention to which independent artists and sellers you're buying from?

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

True Self-Care Is HARD, That Face Mask Isn't Actually Going To Solve Your Problems

There's a line between self-care and self-destruction.

Anyone who hasn't been living under a rock for the past few years has seen something somewhere about self-care whether it was on Facebook, Twitter, or their Instagram feed. Oftentimes it's pictures of celebrities or influencers sipping green smoothies or slathering on mud masks with #selfcare. It's posts like these that made me realize that "self-care" has become the ultimate buzz word, soaring in popularity but in the process, it's lost most of its original meaning. It's time to set the record straight and reclaim the term.

Although self-care has been around for quite some time, within the past few years it's been misconstrued and commodified as our capitalist society tends to do with things it thinks can be profited off. Self-care is now being peddled as something that can be bought and sold on the shelf at Target rather than something that takes real work to achieve. This fake self-care movement is not only enabling people to over-indulge themselves, but it has created a crutch for people to avoid the responsibility of taking true care of themselves. Instead of doing the work that needs to be done, many people fall into the trap of rewarding themselves for doing nothing at all — this can quickly become an unhealthy coping mechanism, especially with corporations cheering us on (to buy their next product). Long, hard day at work? Just grab your third iced coffee of the day! Fight with your SO? Buy that 50-dollar face mask, it'll make you feel better! This is how self-care becomes self-sabotage and self-destructive.

Keep Reading... Show less

Minorities are consistently under-represented in our day-to-day lives, notably in the world of fashion. It's likely you're looking for a way to support black artists. Whether that's the case or you're just a fashion-lover in general, these brands aren't just some of the best black-owned fashion brands — they're some of the most innovative brands of our time, period.

From luxury staples to fun accessories and loungewear, these brands aren't just stunning names you should definitely be following on Instagram, each honors the founder's roots in unique ways with the power of storytelling through artistic expression that manifests in pieces we can't wait to wear.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments