I’m the girl who has it all figured out.
I wake up every morning before the sun.
Time to go to school and get the job done.
I put my pants on one leg at a time
Wash my face, brush my teeth and walk out the door
Into the unknown, I go
I smile at those walking by
My heart beats and panic sets in
Forgive me, I am afraid.
But my fear is not what you may think
My fear has not gripped me at the thought of embarrassment.
It has not cautioned me of running into someone I dislike and talking.
My fear, is that I will exert more energy into my “hello” and “how are you” than I have left to keep on walking.
I know I sound dramatic but I continue through my day.
To get my morning coffee that will help put a smile on my face.
A warm or iced drink, I never know which one I please
But I eventually decide or go with whatever the barista may choose for me.
I seem happy.
Rain and thunder
As the invisible cloud looms over my head
No one else ever wonders
My name is called.
Oh that's right my coffee!
Coffee always seems to put a pep in my step
Turning my otherwise dull mood bright.
I go to class, take notes
Pass my quizzes
Do my best on my tests
I try and fulfill countless hours with my nose in a book
I have it all figured out.
I fail a test
The dark cloud appears again
Arriving fairly fast
I am reminded to smile and see the sunshine through the gloom
I guess I still have it all figured out.
The School day is over and I have hit a wall.
As I talk with a few people
I feel the smile slowly falling from my face
Anxiety begins to seep into my clear mind
Whispering like clouds of smoke
Remember to breathe, you have it all figured out.
Time to tackle the work day.
No worries, I got it figured out
And when the sun goes down I am finally free
I get in my car
Begin to scroll through my feed
Taking a quick moment to breathe
I look back at the screen
Seeing smile after smile
Copy and pasted
Why not me?
Suddenly, I snap back to reality
Nothing is picture perfect
Family and friends slipping away
I’ve been so preoccupied
Loved ones miles and miles away and...
I look ahead.
Turn on my radio and start to drive.
A single tear flows from my eye.
Just focus on the road
Not on your life
Driving home often comes with its own existential crisis
Realization of repetition
Predictability
The cycle will soon begin again the next morning
Breathe, I still have it all figured out.
Groceries.
Just focus on what needs to get done
Parking lot full
Find the last open one
I glide into the store
Excited for distraction as I walk down the aisles
Tick off my list
Fill up my basket
Waiting in line
A kind face smiles
She scans my items
Small talk is made
As I turn to walk away
Simple words ring in my ears;
“Smile more,” she said
“Be happy, You’ve got it all figured out”
My feet begin to sink like concrete
Shockwaves
Coursing through my body
It becomes crystal clear
That I really know nothing at all
I am simply a girl, who has a lot to figure out.
