My heart is so heavy.

Every time someone asks me about you, I have to fight back tears.

It's a different kind of loss. You are still physically here. You are just a shell of who you once were.

I know that you will never admit your fault because you fail to believe it is a problem.

I remember how you lied, first to yourself, then to us about your alcohol addiction

You were a great mother when you were sober, but you could never seem to stay that way.

It seemed like even I was not enough to make you change, but sometimes I could tell I made you want to.

The alcohol and the addiction had far more control over you than the love you had for me.

What I hated most about when you drank was how honest you were.

You never failed to remind me that I was the biggest mistake of your life.
You never failed to remind me how much you did not want me.

I will never forget the day you drank yourself into a coma.

I remember standing in the hospital room as the doctor explained to me that you were dying.

Your liver was failing.

You were drinking yourself to death.

I remember staring at you; searching for the mom I remembered, but your yellow eyes were vacant and you had become a stranger.

Over 20 years, I have cried many tears for you.
Sometimes out of anger, sometimes out of grief, but mostly out of fear.
I am afraid every day that your addiction will take you from me.

Lastly, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for showing me that people disappoint you and sometimes there's absolutely nothing that you can do about it. A lesson well learnt from you.

I want to say thank you for teaching me what kind of person I want to be and what kind of parent I will be.

I can confidently say that I will not be like you. I have no desire to turn out like the woman that you were to me.
I will be absolutely everything to my own kids that you never were to me.

I can't promise that I will be the perfect mom, but I'll make sure I never turn out like you.

Because you are my mother, my only mom, I will always love you, but I hope for your sake you realize what you missed out on.

I hope that one day you wake up and realize there is so much more that this world has to offer you and when that day comes, we can enjoy life together.

Sincerely,

Your daughter.