Quick summary time: I'm 21 years old and I grew up in the Christian community, rather born into it. Even in the womb, I was being prayed over or people fasting for a healthy carriage, I have always known God and God only. I was such a sheltered child that I went to a Christian middle school and the idea was supposed to attend a Christian high school but, I was able to change my parent's thoughts and attend public high school.
Obviously, you would assume that I was heavily involved in my church, well you're absolutely correct. I was so thoroughly involved in my church that I was serving five different ministries for about eight years. I chose to do this I was not pressured, but this was also the only thing that I truly knew at my age.
Throughout the years I have changed significantly and have done mistakes and what not; but I have always wanted to serve God in some type of way. I thought my "calling" (in the Christian community it means that you believe that God is calling unto you to perform this mission or task or chose this and He is directly telling you) was to become a youth pastor. To this day, I am iffy about that calling and honestly, do not believe that I was called for that during that time but there is some type of calling relating to talking or preaching because of the certain talents that He has given me.
Putting that aside, but still keeping in mind for the crucial of the story, a lot of change was about to come that I did not expect at all. I am an extrovert and a people person and need self-affirmation from other people. In order for me to continue my studies toward Christianity and becoming a leader, I had my pastor (whom I knew for about 15 years of my life and called him poppa because he was my second father) show me the ropes and the right way, plus I had to move. I attended Grand Canyon University which is located in Phoenix. This move created a wave of boiling anger towards God in so many different ways.
My move made my friendships of 15 years end. Horribly. Ignored, let of reading and not included in my ex-best friend's wedding. Not only that, but when I tried to contact my pastors for spiritual help (I texted, called and emailed) there was no response. I was in such a lonesome place that it hindered me spiritually. I wanted nothing to do with Him, however; I cried out and let myself feel it all and pray to him. I didn't do it alone, luckily I had my significant others support.
This helped me more than ever. To just feel it. Feel His comfort embracing me.
Then, I was back on track with Him. But, I didn't remain their long because the trials that I had coming for me were beyond what I thought I was able to handle.
I began to grow a slow hatred toward Him and blame him for everything that was going on in my life. I pushed myself away from Him. I never stopped going to church though, but I didn't go further in my relationship with Him either. My relationships around me and my attitude were changed drastically.
I was done with Him and I wanted nothing to do with Him at all in any case presented.
Why did I blame Him? Why did I think it was even his fault?
I blamed him because I thought it was his people who had hurt me and that the only "key factor" was Him. That's the first mistake, that I needed to place blame on someone, rather than confronting a lesson he was trying to teach me. But I gotta turn this around...How could I stop being mad at God?!
Listen...listen to Him & His people.
His people was specified to my family, my significant other and his wonderful patience and teaching ways,
He was and is using his people to show me the way; He is using them in a manner for me to be able to listen and obey with my stubborn attitude.
Slowly but surely, I'm falling in love with him all over again through the use of his great people. It's hard but it's all a learning experience. This whole thing called life and the relationship with Him is learning how to follow Him. Learning how to LISTEN TO HIM. Learning to walk beside Him rather than against Him.
Everyone screws up. Everyone runs away. Everyone wants to blame him. Its easier...but He is trying to teach you something. Through it all.
You just have to be willing to listen & to understand to be able to come back to Him. He will never leave you. He is always be beside you.
Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean you can't be mad at God. It's normal to be angry and upset. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean your life is easier...in fact thats the opposite. You are His child and He will always find a way to bring you back to his path.
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.