Here's what I know:
- In medieval times, if a young girls father died in battle, her eldest brother, if she had one, would then rule the household. He'd be responsible for her upbringing and finding her a husband. He was the key to her survival.
- I was born to a mother and two older brothers
- I'm all that's left
That sounds all doom and gloom and literally is, but I'm not saying I don't have any family at all; I have a huge family. I just don't have parents and no longer have siblings. It's been two years since that fact has hit me and saying I'm still struggling with being basically an only child is still hard for me to admit out loud. It feels like a curse. Like some bad juju. I refuse to say it out loud often because truth be told, I still have the hope a little sister should have that maybe, being an only child doesn't have to be my life.
In the state of Pennsylvania, a child can become emancipated at 16 years old. Most people think you have to be 16 and that is false. You can be an emancipated minor if you are between the ages of 16 or 17. Once you turn 18, you are legally an adult.
Reasons for emancipation vary but most of the time it's because the minor feel they are financially self-sustainable, the parents are not good parents or if they have a mental illness. There are many more reasons that are valid by law for a minor to petition being emancipated, but these are common examples.
The first time in my life I ever felt like I had lost one of my brothers was the moment my middle brother called me and said he wanted to be emancipated. He explained it as kind of a divorce from your family. He thought he was fine on his own and didn't need our help, but that he still loved me and was still my brother. I cried and felt betrayed. Brothers are supposed to always be there for their siblings. I never thought I would ever lose either of my brothers. I thought we'd honestly live together forever because to me they were the Sun and Moon. The moment I got this phone call, I learned it was possible for your best friend to break your heart, even if they shared the same DNA. This brother in particular, after this moment, and maybe even before, has been touch and go. He's either there for you when he needs you but disappears the second you need him. Eventually, I gave up and cut him off. Every time I watched him walk away from me and from being in my life, my heart broke. As I got older I was tired of letting him break my heart. So like an infection, I cut him out of my life because it was better than the constant pain.
The second most memorable time I ever felt like I lost one of my brothers was when my oldest brother, My Batman, moved out and went to college. I cried every night. He was like my father. He braided my hair, changed my diapers, taught me how to defend myself, taught me to never allow anyone to silence my voice and he taught me how to love myself. But he was 5.5 years older than me. When he went to college I was in eighth grade. I cried helping him pack boxes. I cried helping him load the car. I cried when he hugged me goodbye and I cried when we ate dinner that night and it was only me and my grandmother sitting at the table. It was the first time in my life I looked at her and thought "it's just me and you from now on" and truth be told, now it's become our normal. It really is just me and her now and it hurts every day when I wake up and have to admit it.
The MOST memorable moment I ever felt like I lost one of my brothers was two years ago when I actually did. But that day I didn't lose one brother, I lost both simultaneously. October 6th, 2015, my oldest brother, my Batman committed suicide two hours after he called me to tell me he loved me. He said "I love you. You're going to do great things. You're going to be fine." What I thought were words of encouragement was actually his way of saying goodbye. My heart shattered that day and I've been trying to put it back together ever since. But what made it worse was my middle brother said "It's just you and me now. I promise to be a better brother. I promise to step up and take care of you. I promise to never break your heart again." That lasted maybe a whole day until he got into trouble and broke my heart again. Truth be told, I'm still waiting for that promise to be fulfilled. I know it's not going to be, but regardless I have some kind of foolish hope.
Now when my Grams and I talk about " The Boys" she says "It's just you and me now. This is all we have." And all I can think is that when she goes, it'll just be me. Now I just count myself as basically an only child because I've had to step up and be my own hero for the past few years. The only difference is someone who was born an only child doesn't know what it's like to have that sibling bond, I'm stuck with all the memories of what it was like before it was just me.
What kills me the most, and the reason I wrote this, is that everyday there's something that happens that I pick up my phone to tell one of my brothers and have to stop myself because they aren't here, so I end up keeping it to myself. That's the worst part. It's not coming to terms with all this, it's the constant reminders of the lonliness you try to ignore everyday.
Losing a sibling means losing a huge part of yourself that, to be honest, they take with them when they leave. You will never be the same. It will hurt everyday. What I try to do every day when I wake up is remember one good thing we did before I start my day and it helps me feel motivated. It's the night time, when the sun goes down, that I miss the "Good Night, baby girl. We love you."
