The months leading up to my departure to college were some of the longest months I've ever had to deal with. It seemed that every day took longer and longer to come, and college still felt like an event that wouldn't be happening for a long while. Summer was long and not nearly as fun as the previous summer. The goal was to work as much as possible so that one day, just maybe I'd be able to pay off college. These months leading up to college were also some of the lowest months of my life. My friends were all too busy with work to ever hang out. I thought to myself: "Why would God give me such shitty relationships wth people? Can't he see how much I'm struggling right now?"
The months leading up to school I cursed the Catholic Church. I was so unhappy with myself and my relationships with others, I began to speak ill of it. I would say nothing but negative things about it.
How great can it be if my prayers aren't being answered? Why does my college have to be Catholic? I don't wanna take a shitty religion class in college, it will be useless to me, I don't even believe in God anymore!
After a long and lonely summer, my faith in my faith, as well as myself, was at an all-time low. As excited as I was to be going to school, leaving everything unhappy and negative behind, I still felt like I was setting myself up to fail. It was during the second week of school, a friend convinced me to attend Sunday mass. I didn't have the heart to tell them how much I hated going to church, so I gritted my teeth and went to the mass.
At first, I felt no different, it seemed no different than the masses I was forced to go to throughout my life at home. The same boring routines, the same boring prayers. But when it came time to pray The Lord's Prayer, two people grabbed my hands. As I looked around the church at the large crowd of students holding hands and reciting prayers together, I began to notice how beautiful it was. Since it was the only part of the mass that I actively knew how to partake in, I made sure to participate.
When mass had finished that night, I walked back to my dorm a little happier than before I had gone. Maybe God wasn't as terrible as I thought he was?
Fast forward a few weeks later, and I head to my first mass within my residence hall. At this point, I'm really enjoying going to mass. Attending made the loneliness I got from my old classmates much easier to bear. It also brought me to some of my closest friends. I now attend mass with people who enjoyed it like I did, and helped me learn and grow throughout the semester. I mistook genuflecting for a curtsy, forgot to say Amen and instead said "Thank You" after drinking the wine, and made many mistakes, but with the new friends I had discovered, the fun never ended.
I attended my first ever retreat back in November and it was there that I knew I had officially rediscovered my lost faith. Now, more than ever I get to enjoy it because I'm constantly surrounded by people who also share the same thoughts.
Prayers bring me comfort and hope now instead of anger. I've forged some incredible relationships with faculty, students, and priests (shout out to Father Tim!) through my faith as well. And I now know that, no matter what, when things get hard, stressful, or just too damn emotional, I not only have these people, but I have my faith.
I went from cursing God's name to praising it in one semester. If you are having confused feelings about your faith, you are not alone. College is a time for discovery and change, and I was fortunate enough to discover and change myself. I've gone from hopeless to hopeful, and I hope that those who are confused can find a faith that erases that confusion.
"God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom but we have to trust his will" - Psalm 37:5
