To Whom It May Concern,
I doubt you care to read this letter. I doubt you care how I feel. I just feel like if maybe you do care, there are a few things you should know.
I've seen the way most of you look at the few visible scars I have. It's not a secret. You don't just glance them when I'm not looking. You stare while we're having a conversation. I can see the look in your eyes. You want so badly to ask, "Why?" But, you don't. You just continue to stare.
I've heard, "Why don't you just stop?" over a million times. It's not that easy. It's almost like being possessed by depression for a few minutes. It's not planned. I don't say, "I'm going to go home tomorrow after work and cut myself." It's an involuntary decision that happens in a matter of seconds.
I know there are other ways of dealing with my problems, but in my brain, this is how I cope with things. Some people do drugs or drink to make their bad feelings go away. I try and cut mine out of my life.
You're probably thinking to yourself that my life can't be that bad. And you're right. It could be much worse. But, try and tell my clinically depressed brain that. My brain takes the emotional pain and multiplies it by 1,000%. I have over 200 scars on my body. That's over 200 times my depression has told my brain that I deserve some physical pain to distract itself from the emotional pain.
Thankfully, after I turned 18, I was able to cover up the ones that were extremely visible. I'll never be able to wear shorts, though. I immediately say, "Ignore my scars, please," when I sleep with someone. I don't sleep with someone with the lights on. I don't want to shower with anyone. I can't wear bathing suits. But, it's okay. This is the life my brain chose.
Although I am no longer someone who self-harms, it is still an everyday battle. My scars just show the pain I've felt in the past. I am still human. I still laugh. I still smile. I can still go out and have a good time. Just because there were a few years where I was miserable, doesn't mean I can't have a positive future. I'll be okay. I've made this far... Who are you to say that I can't keep going?
Life is not out to get you.
Sincerely,
The Cutter
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7
