It’s been over a year since you last smiled at me, or even looked at me in the face for that matter. Two years ago we became friends, and today I sit and wonder why we ended up how we did. It seems to me I should let you go, it comes to mind that we had a small crossover. But the ones that only last for a short while, and god does it hurt.
Nothing hurts more than not knowing the truth of why they let you go, why they stopped answering your texts, why they leave you on read, why it had to be you out of everyone, why you miss them so bad.
The first time I saw you in person, for months, I can’t even count how long it’s been. Anxiety took the reins that night, as I stood on the other side of his car. Hearing your voice pierced every bone and muscle in my body, as if someone drew a dagger into my skin so quickly. Maybe you didn’t know I was there, or you just didn’t want to make any contact with me. I hated how I knew the color of your shirt, without even taking a second look in the pitch black to make sure.
She tells me, ‘Don’t sit on this and drive yourself mad, I can tell this is because of your parents' divorce. Why you hang on so tightly.’ Maybe that’s why I hang on so tightly, to your nonexistent presence. Because I felt abandoned, that losing another presence is leaving me in a state of depression and anxiety. It hurts so bad hanging on to you, but I can’t find the words or power to just let go of the rope.
Why save a seat for someone who won’t come back and take it? You come and go, like a storm. One minute you’re there, comforting me with the pouring rain and thunder. Then, you’re gone. The sun shines through and I suddenly feel alone once again, as the heat soothes my skin. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve reached out to you, making sure you’re okay. I haven’t heard from you since, but what else can I expect from someone so lost in a world with people who just want you to forget? Forget about her, forget about them, just lay low and act like you shouldn’t just so you feel alive once again. Work every day you aren’t out with them, just so your mind doesn’t start racing and thinking.
I miss you, I don’t know how many nights have gone by and I haven’t heard your name cross my mind. But I guess that’s just my conscious trying to help me understand why I feel this way. Whatever the feeling may be, I guess I’ll never know.
7/10
Friendships shouldn’t be painful, nothing about them should be painful. People are smart enough to let go, but I for one am not as strong as they are. After my parent's had announced their divorce, and I had moved away, letting go of people who don't seem to hang onto me by even the smallest hair becomes harder. How so? Maybe feeling abandoned, alone, the panicking or depressing though of feeling alone in a world that comes crashing down suddenly when it doesn't even involve you. I don't blame you, mom and dad, I'm more than happy you two came to a mutual ground with splitting. It's in my head, making myself believe if I let anyone else go-I'll be left alone in the dark. When that isn't true, but your mind is a powerful machine, and just convincing yourself over time of one thing can easily manipulate your body into either believing that thing or doing said thing. Thinking about that one single damned thing, that same damn person, situation, that one time you got into a bicker with your significant other about the bills and just wanting to walk out. Sitting or laying down just to think about one to millions of things can expand into more that doesn't seem to make sense, or can lead to direct blame of yourself. Thoughts are a convincing factor, for me at least, and I could think about something for months – maybe lucky enough to forget about it for a short period of time. But once I'm stuck on something, the thought never fades away.
The thought of feeling like the lone wolf out of your friends, probably isn't the best feeling in the world. Disclosure with no sort of reason why, they being the ones to disclose the friendship while not even bothering to turn around before shutting the door and continuing without a second thought in their head of how you feel. It's learning how to turn your back as they did and move on from them. Letting go of that small hope they'll maybe, change their minds and come back, defeating the purpose of 'oh maybe', telling yourself 'I'm better off without them.' Nobody said it was easy, at least I was never told letting go of someone was as easy as quitting a job and moving on with life. Feeling the pain of letting go is like, having to find another job without a car – being stuck in one place with the one job you can't possibly stand going to anymore. (Yeah, I used myself for that analogy.)
It hurts, a lot. Speaking for myself and maybe other people, sometimes drawing that silence of 'I have no idea what to say to you anymore,' maybe isn't the best option to leave someone with. Conversations aren't the easiest thing to start either, mainly when you go months to a year without actually exchanging words. But, I mean, putting into perspective of when you're trying and they just seem to dust it off their shoulders as if they never saw it, that's what I'm pointing at. That leaves me to think, 'Oh, well why are they blowing me off now?' and from then on, it's the million and one conclusions thinking to what happened that could've caused the sudden burned bridge.
But, then, of course, there comes the conclusion you make with yourself. Debating if you should just let go of the rope of burn the bridge entirely. Burning bridges is whole different approach than just dropping the rope for now until the time is right to pick it back up again. Holding onto someone who has already turned their back and dropped their end however long ago, can hurt, other than start dragging you away from people who are already standing in front of you – holding the rope with you. I start to become engulfed into solving this solution of why I've become a part of your past, with no reasoning behind why. The unsolved 'mystery' attracts me in a sense to just understand why, and hopefully let the disclosure of your sentiment can help push me to walk away as well. May it hurt like hell, but letting go of someone who lets you hang on a loose end, can actually help allow someone who wants to be in your life – come in and change the mark the other left on you.
Believing one who leaves you on the other end of the rope, still hanging on so tightly, can leave the deepest to long lasting scars which you never saw coming. As letting one go may hurt, knowing how much you cared about them, can help open up a door for someone who can turn into what you had wished the previous to become.
