When we're brought up into this world, with innocent eyes and curious minds, the last thing that is expected of us to know are mental illnesses. My whole life, I've always felt that depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses were concepts beyond my reach. My family always swept it under the rug (if it were ever a topic in conversation), my friends all seemed to be fine, and school only mentioned it in books, poems, and biographies. I never questioned or wondered why I needed to know anything about it. I prioritized memorizing vocabulary, performing titrations, and solving equations because I truly felt like the odds of me encountering anything associated with mental illness was close to 0.

I was known among my friends to be the advice-giver. The one who always knew the right words to say both poetry and speech. The one who sparked conversations and made sure they never died out. The one who always felt the need to make sure everyone was happy.

But when you find out that one of your friends has been silently suffering from depression, and has taken their life...

The world seems to stop rotating. You'll feel like everything you once knew was a lie. Everything that once felt so distant, is closer and more relevant than ever. You'll snap out of your ignorance and realize that mental illness is just as common as the flu but is never as obvious.

You'll wonder where you went wrong and drown in guilt every night because you couldn't do more. Your shoulders become heavy and every step you take is like pulling a baggage of lead. You hold on so tight, not wanting to let them go even if you know your muscles are shriveling up. You bottle in all of your own sufferings because you don't want to add to theirs. You have to show them you're strong enough to lift them up even if your arms are just about ready to snap. Are they selfish for wanting to die? Or are you selfish for wanting to keep them alive?

All these thoughts and emotions cause a war to build within you, but you can't show it. You convince yourself that you are not the one in need of help. You are the one who's supposed to give help.

So you don't say anything.

You let the rage and conflict bubble. Your chest becomes tighter. Your stomach gets just as tangled as your hair. You keep telling yourself that you need to somehow save someone that can no longer be saved.

You go to the school psychologist: "You have to understand that the choice they made, in the end, is ultimately their choice. And you couldn't do anything to stop it"

You nod like you understand, and smile politely. "But I could have stopped it" you say to yourself.

"You like poetry, why don't you try to write some to get your emotions out?"

You nod like you understand, and smile politely.

How many poems do you have to write until it gets better?

Depression and mental illnesses are not just something to just be observed in stories, poems, or obituaries.

Though it is ultimately their choice in the end, there are actions and steps that can be done to prevent it. It can be as small as a "How are you doing today?" "Do you want to spend time together?" or a "Tell me how things have been going in your life." Anything can make a difference, and it can possibly prevent a life from leaving this world too early.

This past week was recognized as suicide prevention week. However, we should all be aware of how to deal with these thoughts or how to deal with someone having these thoughts year-round. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among college students and the suicide rates for those between 15-24 have increased 200% in the past 50 years.

Always remember that you are not a psychologist/therapist/clinician and etc. If you are in a situation like mine, always get help from a professional or contact someone who can get a professional for you or your friend who needs help.

If you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness here are a series of sites and organizations that can provide you with safe and efficient support:

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-472-3457

https://afsp.org/

https://www.sprc.org/

https://save.org/what-we-do/grief-support/