At an age so little, young adults are flourishing with hormones, fueling our sometimes not-so-good decisions. My friends and I lived quite the asexual lifestyle come freshman year. But all in all, it's hard not to experiment in a new and curious environment. So, we've all had our share of action here and there. But I've always had a tug of war with casual relationships, as I initially believed them not to be for me in the very slightest.
As sophomore year came around, and the prospect of a romance seemed further and further, I began to consider something with less commitment. Throughout my entire college experience thus far, every time that I have embarked unto something casual, I have came out feeling disgusted.
As casual as it is, it is still a relationship, so mutual respect is necessary. But, I either got blatant disrespect, or just overall a bad experience.
Recently, I entered into a "relationship" with a friend of mine, and we had our ons and our offs. The disrespect was not there, but that was still quite a low bar for me to set for myself.
I was advising a friend of mine half of this year within her casual relationship, as she had ended up catching feelings. To me, it was a no-brainer because I had never done anything similar. As much as friends and family advised me against it, me being the poster-child for "catching feelings," I did it anyway. And--
I caught feelings.
I do not know the scientific logistics of why these situations just never work, but the pain that I am in right now, is unmatched. I had forgotten the feelings that I had around the time of my breakup, but it feels quite similar to that.
I fell for this guy, and I fell hard.
It was quite disheartening, as we had never gotten the timing right. It could have been something great, but here I was: sitting with the inevitable feeling that maybe, it was my fault for letting him get away, for letting myself get attached. I should have known myself better.
The worst part about this is, that we became friends around these interactions. People say to find someone who you are not friends with to engage in such activities with, but it just wasn't possible for me! I became friends with him, and then that was it.
Before I knew it,
I wanted him more and more, I went out of my way to see him throughout my week, and I would feel disheartened whenever my efforts were not reciprocated.
But I guess some part of me knew that there was a potential for this situation, I was not new to my own mind. I subconsciously knew how I worked.
But I did it anyway because I thought that maybe it might have been more fruitful than it proved to be.
So to my lover,
I say: sorry for putting you through the troubles that I did.
And to myself and my extremely low pain tolerance, I say: I will never do this again.