It’s so hard for me to make friends because I am so cautious and my self-esteem is sh*t. It's one of the leading reasons why I smoke. So when I do make friends, I always seem to convince myself that I am not good enough for them, or that they don’t actually like hanging out with me -- they just tolerate me. I read too much into things, like the fact that nobody ever texts me first. It’s always the other way around.

So, here’s a letter to my friends in the making, and just another FYI, I swear I really am a good friend, I just don’t know how to show it. It’s difficult for me to cultivate how I feel into a sum of words, but I’ll try my best.

I really, really do care to make friends with you all, it’s just that sometimes I don’t know exactly how to do that. I might come off as clingy, but I don't mean to. I try to become friends with so many people, and it almost never works out in my favor; therefore, when I do finally start becoming friends with somebody, I always second guess it and try to put a negative spin on it because I’m just used to people always leaving.

Little things like forgetting to tag me in things, and rarely texting me back might not seem like that big of a deal, but to someone with social anxiety, it is a huge deal. It makes people like us feel left out, whether we actually are or not. I always question whether or not my friendships with people are authentic.

I fear that nobody will truly accept me for the way I am. I fear that I won't ever have that one person I can talk to anytime. I fear that I get in the way of my "friends" and that I'm just an inconvenience. I fear that I will never have something like the threebie-freebies, the whore four, or the fab five.

I know it might seem like a lot to get to know me and to become my friend, but I swear I'm really worth it. When somebody actually wants to hang out with me, actually initiates plans, I overflow with excitement and I feel this wave of happiness that makes me forget all of these struggles for a little while. I love having fun, doing crazy things, embarking on adventures, enjoying late-night rides, and sitting outside all night just contemplating life's questions.

I swear I love to talk to you all about your problems. It's just ten times harder for me to do everything because I can't help but feel like I am too inadequate to be a true friend. It's a daily battle that I deal with, and I try to fight through it. But sometimes, I slip into a wave of

depression. I don't mean to, I don't try to, and I don't want to, but it just feels inevitable.

I want to apologize for being the way I am, but I don't want to have to apologize for being the way I am. I want people to accept me and to want to be my friend. I just have a wall that is easily broken down and then my hopes escalate. I get hurt easily. I care too much, and it's a struggle.