I am sorry that I couldn’t be a better friend.

I understand I was selfish at times.

I understand that I wanted things and I didn’t give you a chance to not want them.

I get that we live far away now.

I get that you have a vicarious life and you’re busy.

But I don’t get why we don’t talk. We don’t chat like we used, giggling about inside jokes layered in so much context that they hardly makes sense anymore. But we get it. We always got the same weird jokes. We always had the same funky, dismal sense of humor. A series of drastic, sarcastic hyperboles would send us snickering over the edge, laughing until we cried. We liked creating and being artists and explorers. We spent hours at sleepovers talking endlessly, binging Netflix, gushing over boys, singing all the jams and drinking cheap wine. We had a lot of good times.

And after moving far away, I felt so lost in this new, scary place. I was unsettled from the constant revolving door between college, the airport and home. My friends were spread across the globe and I found myself in one of the biggest schools in the country, feeling more alone than ever.

And you stopped picking up the phone. I suppose you could say that like two branches on a tree, we simply grew in different directions. Although, it feels a lot more like you just chopped me right off.

You probably won’t see this and even still, I have little faith that you would click to read it if you did. I didn’t exactly write this for you though. I wrote this to express my broken heart. I wrote this because for so long now I have felt the ghost of our friendship pestering me and I finally feel ready to step away from these deep ties that I fought so hard to keep. Nonetheless, the pain of how easy it seemed for you to walk out will always stir up a sting in my heart.

For some time I held not a torch, but a small candle, hoping at some point you might want to reignite the bond we mended through years of childhood trials. Albeit, that sentiment shipped off long ago, after your estranged silence demonstrated your abrupt disinterest in our relationship.

Things change, people change, hearts change. I won’t play the guessing game, trying to nail down the reason you felt our friendship wasn’t worth the effort to continue. Life and love go on and we learn to appreciate our friendships for the time we have them, even if they do come crashing down into a pile of crap.