Practically all my life, I have felt like I wasn’t good enough. Not for my family. Not for my education. And especially not for my “friends.”

With my family, being the youngest of three siblings, I always have felt as if I was a disappointment. I tried to do what I can to at least fake it until I had the actual confidence to become as successful as my older sisters, but I always fell short of the bar. I have not traveled the world, nor balanced three jobs on top of my education. I didn’t make friends that were maintained all throughout childhood or that you dread leaving then behind in college.

I put the word friends in quotes because at this point in my life I don’t know what friends are. I have gone in circles searching for a good group that I fit in. In elementary, I was surrounded by what it seemed to be a bunch of Barbie dolls and I was the misfit who didn’t belong. In high school, I was the goodie-too-shoes who would bend my back for anyone who I thought needed help regardless of the relationship I had with them or the way they treated me. In college, I have gone back to the initial mold of the Barbie and not fitting in. It has been one of the biggest struggles for me and it is something that I have always aspired to be. I feel as if I am an outcast and someone who is there to help and present to families, but not someone who you want to have fun with on a Saturday night.

I never had a solid group of friends I can call my own. I always seemed to float around to join a group that was already formed. Maybe this was because of my bashfulness as a child, or my fears of standing out and being weird, that I will never know. All I know is that I was there, but never really wanted. I was invited but never really welcomed.

Throughout my nineteen years of my life, I have come to realize that I drilled into my brain that I will never be good enough and that I do not deserve anything that I receive. I perceive that the others who may not have worked as hard as I did, somehow deserve more than me. I feel pity for those who have a perfect life when mine is everything but.

So to my “friends” since I will never have the courage to tell you this, thanks for making me feel like nothing. Thank you for making me feel as if I don’t belong and that I am lesser then everyone else around me.

You have helped me in one way that will have a lifelong impact regardless of if we stay in contact, which after this first year of college, seems unlikely. Thanks for molding me into the person with the lowest self-esteem. So low that I can no longer look in the mirror without my eyes filling like a dam ready to burst because all I see is a disappointment.